In-law Relationships: You Marry More Than a Spouse

In a chapter entitled "Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families", authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen talk about the importance of new couples establishing their own family and traditions while maintaining healthy, if different, relationships with each others parents and siblings. They urge married children to be faithful and supportive to their spouses but to not forget their parents. And they caution that parents may need to give up previous roles that they had with their children to allow the new couple to establish their own independence. (Harper and Frost, Helping and healing our families).

I have a mother-in-law who I absolutely love and appreciate. However, we got off on the wrong foot in the beginning. Harper and Olsen state: "Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases this may be upsetting." This seems to have been the case when I met my husband's mother. He was the baby of the family and the last weddings had taken place five years before ours so any differences between the other sons wives had long been worked out and I felt like a bit of an outsider. They all loved gardening and canning and sewing and quilting, just like my mother-in-law. I had very limited experience with any of those things and didn't particularly enjoy those activities.

It also didn't help that for years my husband's mom had harbored a wish for him to marry the daughter of  family friends and on more than one occasion she slipped up and called me by the name of the girl she wished I was! On top of that, I had just been raised differently and my upbringing played a part in my mother-in-law's disapproval right from the start. I remember as we were doing some wedding planning one day she asked where I was going to display my trousseau at the reception. I just looked at her blankly and in my head thought, What century is this? Do people still do that? She was completely aghast when I told her that I didn't have one.

On another occasion, shortly after we were first married, we had gone to my in-laws for Sunday dinner. My sister was with me at the time and later overheard my mother-in-law laughing with one of my sisters-in-law about an incident earlier when she had asked me to slice up a loaf of homemade bread for the dinner. I had sliced up the entire loaf as I thought she had asked me to do and as I would have done in my own large family of ten siblings, but she thought it was so funny that I would have cut the whole loaf instead of just the the slices we'd need for dinner. It was such a little incident but I was actually really hurt to know that not only was I some kind of laughingstock to her, but that she was sharing her observations to others in the family too.

Added to all of this was the fact that my husband and his mother had a very close relationship before our  marriage and it took some major adjusting after the wedding for both of them to realize that things needed to be different. Before the marriage it was totally fine for them to talk on the phone regularly or for my husband to confide in his mom about everything; after marriage it began to create some tension. For example, one day my husband was trying a new recipe and had a question about one part of the directions. I was sitting right there working on some homework when he picked up the phone to call his mom to ask for help and as he asked the question I looked at him and mouthed, "Why didn't you ask me? I could have told you that!" So in my head I'm thinking, Great! Now my mother-in-law thinks I'm hopeless in the kitchen too! And sure enough, a couple of days later, she showed up with groceries and recipes for me to try (with helpful notes written in the margins).

Harper and Olson say: "The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship." In those early days, I was definitely feeling insecure and a bit resentful of the relationship that my husband had with his mom. I felt like an intruder. But one day after my husband had gone immediately to the phone to share some good news with his mom, I told him we needed to talk and I explained how I was feeling and that I thought if this continued that his mom would see me as an interference in their closeness, that not only would she and I never develop a good relationship but that my husband and I wouldn't be as close as we should be either. When I presented my side of things and how this appeared to me, my husband finally could see how this wasn't healthy for our marriage. He began making changes but it was difficult because my mother-in-law was hurt by what she felt was her son pulling away from her. I knew I needed to do something to help her to know that he wasn't going anywhere and that I still wanted him to be part of her life even while we made changes that would strengthen our married relationship and help us create our own family separate from our parents.

Harper and Olson state: "Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connections, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law." We started by not only continuing to accept invitations of my in-laws but we made a point of inviting my husband's parents to do things with us occasionally like see a movie together or have dinner. In this way we let them know that we welcomed their company in our lives too. I engaged my mother-in-law in conversation, shared things about myself, and even asked her for advice. But I think the biggest thing came when I was perusing the books on her bookshelves one day and asked if I could borrow one. My mother-in-law is an avid reader and so am I. Her daughters and daughters-in-law have never been much for reading so this one thing we have in common has become a huge bond for us. We have traded many books over the years and had lots of discussions about our favorite authors. This one small thing has brought us so much closer together.

I think she realizes now that while I'm not necessarily the girl she would have picked for her son, I'm the girl her son picked; that I've been exactly what he needed and wanted and, because he has been happy, that's made her happy too.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company. 

Being One: Strengthening Relationships Through Family Councils

President Henry B. Eyring, who serves in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says: "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity. ...The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end."

Over the past weeks that I have been writing this blog, I have established the importance of developing a strong married relationship, of being kind and being communicators, of having a covenant marriage rather than a contract relationship, and of giving one another the benefit of the doubt as we try to see our spouse as the Lord sees us.

This is especially necessary when children enter the picture. Kids can change the whole dynamic of a relationship and while they are some of the biggest blessings couples can experience, they can also pose some of the biggest challenges in a relationship. Dr. Richard B. Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, reminds us that husbands and wives must establish their hierarchy over their children. That doesn't mean that we are allowed to be "domineering, or dictatorial" but that we need to establish ourselves as united leaders in the family. He says husbands and wives must work together and support each other in the presence of their children, even if they disagree with each other. And if they disagree, they should hold a "private executive session" to talk about about their feelings.

Another leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder M. Russell Ballard, has written and talked about the importance of councils--from the highest leadership positions of the church all the way to the family. Some characteristics that he recommends councils have are an agenda which keeps the meeting focused and lets council members prepare their thoughts beforehand, expressions of love and concern at the beginning of the meeting, which reminds members that we all want to be united, a prayer together to invite the Lord's spirit, and then a thorough discussion of agenda items that each council member can share their feelings and insights about as the group comes to a unanimous agreement of each item.

I have had experiences with my own family where calling first an executive council and then meeting together as a whole family has helped invite peace over a contentious argument. Here is an example of how a situation like this may go:

I'm upstairs when I hear the voices of my husband and one of my children. I can tell it is escalating so I go downstairs to see what is happening. My husband is very upset with this particular child because he has a certain job to do and hasn't done it. Not only that. but this child is now saying that he won't be able get it done that day. My husband is lecturing loudly about priorities and laziness and I can see our son becoming hurt and defensive. My husband turns to me and says, "Can I get a little support here?", meaning he wants me to side with him in his verbal reprimand of our son. The problem is, I feel my husband is being too harsh and that if he would listen to our son, he could understand why the job hasn't been done and why it needs to be put off a little longer. But I also know it's not a good idea to disagree with him in front of our children, so I say, "Yes, I'll support you, but I'd like to talk to you first so you can fill me in on what is happening." My husband agrees to take a break and he and I hold an impromptu family council. He explains to me what has happened and shares why he is frustrated. I'm able to show him love and support by recognizing his feelings and frustration but then explaining why I think he was being a little too harsh over this incident; that it is not the end of the world if this particular job doesn't get done right away, and that I feel that having a family council to talk about the issue and generate ideas from the children for how they can be more responsible in their assigned tasks. might go a long way in helping the situation.

So the next step is to have a family council. We can handle this in one of two ways: by having a meeting with this particular child or having a meeting with all of the children. Because all of the children have been struggling to complete their assigned chores in a timely manner, we decide to include everyone--which also helps our son to not feel that we are ganging up on him or singling him out. In the family council we can express our concerns about the chores not getting done and let the children discuss the issues they're having that seem to be preventing the work getting done. Together we brainstorm ideas for how we can rearrange some activities or schedules to get the work done; we may even re-assign the jobs between the children so that they can fit in different jobs into their schedules better. Once we all agree on the new plan, we put it into practice with the idea to have another follow up council to discuss how things are working or if we need to tweak things again. This helps the kids feel like they are a part of the solution, it means less nagging from me or my husband, and it keeps us united both as a couple and  family as we keep arguments and contention out of our home.

As we invite the Lord's Spirit to be more present in our home, we will be happier and more peaceful and we will learn to love each other the way our Savior loves each of us. President Eyring stated: "A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. ...It is our surrender to the authority of Jesus Christ which will allow us to be bound as families, as a Church, and as the children of our Heavenly Father."

Ballard, M.R. (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. "Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church".
Eyring H.B., "That We May Be One", Ensign, May 1998, 66.
Miller, R.B., "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families", BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Guard and Protect Your Marriage

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: "Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion" (Goddard, 89)

I would be willing to venture a guess that most people going into their marriage have zero plans to be unfaithful to their spouse. Satan knows this and so it is through his careful, crafty ways that he gradually leads someone away from his or her spouse so that they may be in too deep before they even realize what they have allowed to happen.

My husband is a college professor and is put in situations with students and colleagues regularly where he may find himself alone with members of the opposite sex. He tries to remedy these scenarios by always keeping his office door open when he is consulting with a student or another professor and when he has to go to lunch or dinner with another female, he tries to see if someone else can go with him. I remember a few years ago he was serving as the department chair and had the responsibility for hiring a new Spanish professor. Part of the process is that he was expected to take the candidates out for dinner. I was not allowed to come along on these business meals due to privacy laws since this was still considered part of the interview experience. My husband was able to get another female colleague to join in the dinner that evening. It happened to fall on Valentine's Day, which was unfortunate because I would have liked to be the one celebrating the holiday at a fancy restaurant with my husband! I remember when my husband came home, our teenage son said, "Hey Dad, how was your Valentine's dinner with two women who aren't your wife?"

We could laugh about that but only because the idea of my husband having emotional and romantic feelings for any woman other than me was absolutely absurd. Over the years we have worked to prevent such a thing from ever happening . We are "alert to the predictable temptations that Satan uses to break up marriages. We...monitor our behavior and our feelings closely. Being alert to the danger signs we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously" (Goddard, 93-94).

Last week I found out that my childhood home had burned to the ground. It was a log home that my dad built, set on top of a hill that overlooked a beautiful valley in the country. I had many happy memories growing up there. My parent's sold the house when my dad was transferred to another state. Currently no one was living in the home. A corporation had purchased it and used it for occasional company retreats. Because it was vacant and because it was rather isolated with the nearest neighbors living 1/2 mile away, no one was aware of the first sign of fire or smoke. It had been burning for quite some time before the flames were high enough to be noticeable. The fire department was called, but because the road leading up the hill had not been plowed after recent heavy snowfall, the fire crews had a very difficult time reaching the fire and more precious time was lost. By the time they arrived on the scene, the home was completely engulfed and collapsing in on itself. They finally got the fire put out but all that was left was the basement foundation.

Photo Credit: Duchesne County Volunteer Fire Department

If someone had been living in the home or making periodic checks of the place and keeping it maintained, they may have seen warning signs that there was a problem or the fire could have been extinguished when it was just beginning. But because no one was taking care of the place, it was too late to save it when the fire got out of control.

The same is true of our marriages. We have to nurture our relationships and guard against signs of danger. We need to take precautions to safeguard our marriages and keep our emotions focused on one another instead of just coming home for a periodic "retreat". We have to spend time together doing things we enjoy. We need to have regular, open talks about our marital intimacy if we are to keep that aspect of our relationships growing. We must be very careful in our relationships with others of the opposite sex and ensure that we never allow our heart to dwell on anyone else. Dr. Goddard says "Avoiding is better than resisting." And we have to remember our sacred marriage covenants and the beautiful promises we're blessed with for being faithful to those covenants.

Dr. Goddard reminds us that "Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."

In contrast he tells us: Satan "offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. . . . As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant--but empty."

https://www.facebook.com/DuchesneFire/posts/884616498547546?

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Marriage: The Stuff of Dreams

Dr. John M. Gottman says that "...happy couples are aware of each other's dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage." Additionally, he says that when couples can't find a way to work through their perpetual disagreements that the result is often gridlock--a point where you just can't see any way to get past an issue that's between you. Dr. Gottman says that gridlock "is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (Gottman, 2015).

Several years ago I was an avid blog reader. I had quite a few mommy blogs that I followed and I kept toying with the idea of starting a blog of my own as a way to try to bring in a side income. We had hit a tough financial patch but because we still had a couple of children who weren't yet school age, I was a bit limited in my ability to contribute to our family finances. So I did a lot of research about what starting a for-profit blog would entail and I made lists and plans and actually became rather excited about the whole thing.

I approached my husband with my idea and all my notes and plans, thinking he would encourage me to fly with it. But instead I was met with skepticism. I showed him examples of other successful blogs and I was honest in saying that I likely wouldn't make any income off of my own for a while but that I felt if I stuck with it, it might be a way to help with our budget. He said, "What would you even write about? What would make someone even want to read your blog?" I know he didn't mean it to come off as harshly as it did, but I was actually really hurt by what felt like was his rejection of my ideas and writing ability. In the end he told me to go ahead and try it if I really wanted to, but by then he had taken the wind out of my sails and I gave up on pursuing the idea. I had wanted his full support and I knew I didn't have it even though he had told me to go ahead and try my idea. We recently talked about that time and my husband feels terrible at the way the whole discussion went down and especially in the role he played in my giving up that little dream of mine. He told me that I should never, ever give up on something that I want to do because of his bad attitude and lack of understanding  and that he will love me and support me no matter what.

So when I decided a couple of years ago that I wanted to finish up another dream I had of finishing up my college degree, he was all in. He has been my number one supporter throughout my
educational journey and it has made all the difference in my having the courage to take such a big step and to keep going--even when I question my sanity in making the choice at such a busy time in my life and the lives of my children.

Likewise, I have tried to support my husband in his dreams. Just the other night we were sitting in the audience watching my youngest daughter sing her heart out as an orphan in the musical Annie and during intermission my husband confided in me that when he took our daughter to the auditions, the director had encouraged him to audition as well since the play was for people of all ages. He said he was so tempted and really wanted to but thought maybe it would be silly to start acting again, even though it was his absolute favorite part of high school. I told him that I thought it would have been great if he had auditioned and that he should absolutely investigate the next community theatre production because it would be a great opportunity for him to reclaim an old hobby and I'd love to see him perform. His eyes lit up and I could tell he was excited about the idea--an idea that I know he would never pursue if he didn't think I was supportive.

My expressive daughter on the far right having a confrontation with Miss Hannigan on the set of Annie.

Even if I didn't think my husband would succeed or be any good at acting (which I don't--he'd actually be amazing), it is important for me to be supportive and honor his dream anyway. According to Dr. Gottman, I can do this in three different ways:

1. I can express my understanding of the dream and show interest in learning more about it.
2. I can actively enable the dream by helping him find opportunities for theatre productions in which      he could participate.
3. I could become a part of the dream-- maybe by auditioning with him and acting in a production          together! (I'm not quite there yet!)

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says that "Charity can be the lens through which we see each other." I love this idea. No matter whether I think my husband's dream is amazing and has the potential for sure success or if I think it's unrealistic and doomed to fail, I need to love him and support him and cheer him on.

Dr. Wendy Watson taught: "An interesting fact about commending you spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."

And Dr. Goddard says that it's impossible to "survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has." As we view our spouses through a lens of charity and unconditional love, we will strengthen our marriages, achieve our dreams, and avoid the negative impact of gridlock.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Conflict, Curling Irons, and Consecration

 In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Dr. John Gottman says that marriage comes with two kinds of conflicts--either they can be solved or they can't. It may seem a bit shocking to learn that about 69% of marital issues fall into the category of unsolvable problems. How is it possible that there can be so many happy marriages if everyone is going around with unresolved marital issues? Dr. Gottman says, "Happy couples learn to keep problems in their place and approach them with humor." They don't ignore those problems either. They acknowledge them and talk about them but they try to do so in a good-natured way. Basically couples just learn to cope with the things that they know aren't going to be changing any time soon and they put their partner over the problem.

Still, in any marriage we can expect conflict to arise from time to time, whether over an unsolvable problem or an issue that is able to be solved but may take some work to get there. Dr. Gottman says that "...the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality." He says it's a bit like just making sure we practice good manners around our spouse. We may find it a helpful reminder if we consider how we would talk to an acquaintance.

I remember years ago when I hung up the phone after talking to someone from church and my oldest son who was probably about 9 at the time said, "I can always tell when you answer the phone if it's Dad or if it's someone else because you always sound so happy to talk to other people but when Dad calls you just sound tired." Talk about a wake-up call! Why do we often treat our families who we love the most in the worst ways? Shouldn't I be greeting my husband, who I love most in the world, with the same or better enthusiasm than I do the receptionist calling from the doctor's office?

Dr. Gottman suggests that when dealing with conflict there are four steps to keep in mind that will help us manage our problems more effectively:

1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.

I have noticed that one of the biggest issues my husband and I face is in dealing with step number one. It's very difficult to get to the other steps when we get hung up on a harsh start-up. For example, I had a habit that just irked my husband for years. I'm sure he felt  that it was one of those unsolvable problems in our relationship. I could never seem to remember to turn off my curling iron when I finished using it in the mornings. I realize this was a hazard both for potential fire and injuries. And, while I never burned the house down, my husband did receive several burns from my carelessness. Whenever he discovered that I'd left the curling iron on again he would say, (with a bite of anger in his voice), "Are you finished with the curling iron?" The words weren't necessarily the harsh start-up but his tone of voice would definitely set me on edge and I often responded back with sarcasm or anger of my own.

I finally decided that I was going to make it a priority to remember to turn off my curling iron and I worked hard for weeks. I finally got into the habit of turning it off every time I used it and I was feeling so happy at my success.

Then one morning things went wrong from the very start and for the first time in a few months, I left the curling iron on all day again. That evening my husband again asked, "Are you finished with the curling iron?" in that same tone of voice and I immediately felt so much anger as I responded that this was the first time in months that I had forgotten and couldn't he give me a little credit for having done so well? His response was, a sarcastic "sure it's the first time in months." He actually hadn't even noticed that I had made the change! In his mind, he just wasn't catching me at my bad habit so he thought I was still "always" leaving the curling iron on. I was resentful and angry; my temper set him off further and we wound up having a big fight over such a ridiculous issue.

Had he used a softer start-up or had I responded less harshly or better yet, let him in earlier on my successful attempts at changing my bad habit, we could have avoided this conflict completely and just recognized my slip-up as a consequence of the crazy morning. Thankfully we did eventually make our way toward a successful resolution and we can report that this issue which seemed perpetual was actually solvable.

Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a general authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught that  Satan's strategy in his design to destroy our family relationships, is to stir up anger between family members. He states: "The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feeling chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers." This sounds exactly like what had happened with the curling iron issue! When we allow anger to enter into our hearts toward our spouse, we wind up letting bitterness and resentment fester only to return at another time as the conflicts continue.

One big thing that helps our marriages is to practice consecration--that is giving our whole selves to our spouses. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", says that those who have consecrated their lives to God, "...and have experimented with His ways...know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become." And he goes on to assert that the same is true for us as we consecrate ourselves to our marriages. As we become willing to let go of our petty grievances and preferences and annoyances, we will come to recognize the amazing qualities and gifts of our partner in spite of the limitations we each have as human beings. When we can give our lives to God and to our husbands or wives, "Life gets inexpressibly good" (Goddard, 99).

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
Robbins, L.G. "Agency and Anger", Ensign, May 1998, p.80. 

Pride

I came home exhausted one evening after finishing up the Wednesday night youth activity that I was in charge of at the church. I had left my husband behind with our two little boys and I fully anticipated the carnage that awaited me and would likely keep me on my feet for an extended period of time as I had to clean up the destruction that two little boys roughhousing with their dad would do to our small apartment.

To my surprise, I opened the door to the excited face of my husband and a living room floor that was completely clear of clutter and debris. "The boys and I wanted you to come home to a clean house," my husband explained. I thanked him, grateful that I would be able to sit down and relax after all, but my gratitude was short-lived as I looked around the living room and saw toys and books and shoes and jackets crammed onto the book shelves and into the nooks and crannies of the entertainment center.

Instead of actually putting things where they belonged, they had literally just shoved everything that was on the floor into any available space they could find--crowding out the things that actually belonged on the shelf. To my husband, a clean floor equates with a clean house, where for me, it's not clean until everything is in it's place. I was so annoyed and exasperated as I looked around and realized that not only would I now have to put everything away, but I would have to do even more work because in the process of "cleaning up", they had made a mess of all the bookshelves.

"You call this clean?" I exploded. "Nothing is where it should be!" My husband was completely baffled and I still have a pang of guilt when I imagine his face as I became angry at his efforts and the efforts of my two sweet boys who were just trying to make me happy.

Who was in the wrong here? My husband who had known me long enough by then to know what I termed "clean" but insisted that the house was clean if he couldn't see anything on the floor? Or me, who felt I knew best; me, who felt my needs were of utmost importance and anyone who didn't meet those needs was wrong?

The answer is definitely me. I had allowed pride to come into our evening and our relationship that night (and many days and nights before and since) and ruined a sweet gesture from my well-meaning husband and eager-to-please children.

H. Wallace Goddard in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" says, "When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride."

As humans, it seems that our natural response is to see our experiences and opinions as the "truth" or "fact" and to feel that no one else can see things as clearly as we do. Thus, we take it upon ourselves to educate others to the "right way" or the "only way", to insist that our needs must be met above all else because everyone will be better off that way. Or we feel that we understand others better than they even understand their own selves because of course we do. And it never crosses our minds that the fault might actually lie within our own hearts and actions.

The humorous video below teaches some profound insights about the importance of learning to consider ourselves before being so quick to condemn others.

Goddard says that when we follow our human nature, we take it upon ourselves to tell our partner in "fair, balanced ways" that their behavior irritates us. Then we expect them to change based on our input, and we'll both be happy. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that my husband's habit of never closing the cabinet doors just drove me crazy in the early days of our marriage. I totally responded in this way--letting him know that what he was doing was "wrong" and that it was necessary for him to change his ways so that we could be happy in our marriage.

But according to Goddard, "Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, the irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent." Ouch! If you feel a little pain upon reading that statement like I did, it likely means that there is work to do.

I have gotten better over the years. I have learned to appreciate the things that my husband or children do to be helpful even if I would have done it "better" or differently. They are making an effort and in doing so they are demonstrating their love for me. How could I possibly react angrily about such an act of service? As with any Christlike quality, this kind of change takes time and patience and diligence. We may fall back into old habits or stumble from time to time. Pride may creep back in. But if we are committed to the Lord and committed to our marriage, we will be more likely to consider our own behavior first and work on what we can truly change: ourselves.


Wallace, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Joymap Publishing. 

Humdrum Happiness

Dr. John M. Gottman says: "Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Dr. Gottman goes on to explain that within marriage each partner will make "bids" for each other's attention. These bids can be very simple from "I'm so tired, I just can't face the sink full of dishes tonight." Or they can be more complex like asking our partner to help us shoulder a load during a particularly emotional or stressful time. Partners respond to these bids by either turning toward each other or away from one another.

Dr. Gottman says that each time partners turn toward each other they are funding what he terms an "emotional bank account". They build up savings in this account just as we might put money into a financial account and the savings becomes a buffer for when challenges come to a marriage. Often the things that we do to fund our emotional bank account are little seemingly insignificant things but they can add up to huge savings over the course of a marriage.

One thing that my husband and I have done from the early days of our marriage, no matter how busy our day has been or how little we saw of each other, is to check in with each other before bed. We ask how the day went and discuss the good and the bad things that happened and we touch bases about our agenda for tomorrow. This keeps us connected especially during busy or stressful times and it helps us to know at least what the other is doing even when we won't be seeing much of each other. We also will usually try to check in with each other once throughout the day at work--these short conversations can be a great pick-me-up as we take a break to say hello to each other.

Another thing that we do is to look for small ways that we can lighten the load of the other. Sometimes these small things become the means for great blessings. For example, the town that we live in is about twenty minutes from the town where we go to church and it's also where our children attend school. My husband loathes making that drive over and over again since he has become the designated seminary driver for my daughter early each morning. (Seminary is a before-school religion class for high school students in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) In addition to driving every morning, there are always after school activities that don't always have bus transportation and there are often school concerts, plays, sporting events, etc. that require us to make more trips. My husband grumbles about this so much that whenever I am able, I volunteer to go pick up a child from a practice or to check them out of school for an appointment.

When our youngest daughter told us that she wanted to audition for a play with a community theatre, which of course is in the next town over, I knew that if we said yes, I would be the one to have to take her to and from rehearsals. Normally, that would be fine, but I'm taking some classes this semester that are taking up a great deal more of my time than usual and I was a little stressed about my ability to make the drive so often. However, from the very first audition and the practices since, my husband has taken on that job and not only continues to make the drive to early morning seminary but makes return trips in the evening to play practice. I know how much he dislikes that drive, but he hasn't complained even once and when I have offered to give him a break he always says that he's fine and that he is actually enjoying the time he gets to connect with our youngest daughter who gets particularly chatty on car rides. The sacrifice that he is making has freed up my time in the evenings to be able to work on my classes and I cannot express how grateful I am to him for taking over this task. It has brought us closer together at a time where we actually have less time to spend together and that seems like a huge thing to me.

In The Church of Jesus Christ we have a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants and in it there is a scripture in Section  64, verse 33 which states:  "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

As I relate this scripture to marriage, to me it means that in all of the small, even humdrum and ordinary ways we turn toward each other, we are strengthening our marriage and laying the foundation for a relationship that will last for eternity. And if that isn't romantic, I don't know what is.



Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1989). The Doctrine and covenants of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.Salt Lake City, UT: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Grapefruits and Cabinet Doors: Learning to Cherish One Another in Marriage

In his book Covenant Hearts, Elder Bruce C. Hafen states that "most newly married couples can hardly grasp what awaits them when they happily walk, arm in arm, from the garden-like temple grounds. If they did realize what lies ahead, they would probably walk more slowly like Adam and Eve, driven from Eden, bowed down in unspoken sorrow. Do they know that it is only a matter of time until trouble comes and that it will keep returning, because learning from hard things is what life is all about?"

When I was married almost 25 years ago, I could not stop smiling. I was so blissfully happy as my husband and I left the temple together. I wasn't so ignorant that I thought we would live happily ever after and life would be easy for us. I was just really optimistic that together true love would conquer all! To some degree that has actually been true. Our love and commitment to each other has gotten us through some really tough challenges.

But first, I had to conquer the cabinet doors. Before our marriage, I used to laugh and tease my husband about his seeming inability to close the kitchen cabinets when he took something out or put something away. It seemed like a funny little personality quirk back then. But after marriage, the habit was no longer cute. I always left for work and school early in the morning and my husband had classes and work later. I would come home every afternoon to an apartment kitchen with EVERY. SINGLE. CABINET. opened. I would sigh and close them all and after awhile I began getting seriously annoyed. It was worse on the days that I didn't catch an open cabinet until I would turn and bash my head on the corner of the door. Pretty soon, those doors were about the only thing I could think of. Never mind that my husband always put the toilet seat down. Never mind that he packed my lunches every day or that he did the laundry and dishes and always kept gas in the car for me. All I could think about was how thoughtless he was to leave the cabinet doors open in spite of my repeated asking.

Then one day I was reading an article in the Ensign, a magazine that is published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The author described an experience early in her marriage where she had read about an idea that suggested that couples would be closer if they could express their annoyances to each other so they could address them and improve. She decided she and her husband should try it, in spite of his reluctance. They were supposed to list five things that annoyed them about each other and she went first. The biggest issue she had was the way that her husband ate grapefruit by peeling it like an orange. It just aggravated her so much that she couldn't take it anymore and questioned whether she could seriously be expected to spend eternity with a man who couldn't eat grapefruit like a normal person. When it was his turn to express his annoyances, he couldn't think of a single thing!

Of course the wife felt terrible and so did I as I realized my petty anger over my husband's one fault was creating bad feelings in my marriage. I knew too, that my husband would respond the same way the husband in the story did, in spite of my awareness that I was imperfect and had plenty of things that I'm sure he could find annoying. I resolved to try to focus on all the positive things about my husband rather than this one ridiculous concern, and it made the biggest difference. Did I never get annoyed by the cabinets again? Of course not. It still drives me a little bonkers--especially because now 4 of my 5 children have the same issue. But now instead of letting that annoyance fester, I take a breath, close the doors, and move on.

Dr. John Gottman says that as obvious as it may seem, "People who are happily married like each other." He suggests that there are two qualities, fondness, and admiration, that are crucial to married friendships. He states, "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities --even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating." Developing these qualities will prevent the four horsemen from invading our relationships.

One way to strengthen our fondness and admiration for each other is to create what Dr. Gottman says is to learn to cherish each other by checking off ten qualities that we admire in each other (the total opposite of the recommendation in the grapefruit story!). These are traits such as being dependable, forgiving, funny, honest, inquisitive, knowledgeable, loyal, responsible, sensitive, or supportive.

After choosing ten qualities, we're to take note of a time our partner displayed each one. Then we tell ourselves how lucky we are to be with our partner. The idea is to then use the list to focus on our fond feelings toward our partner and let ourselves feel grateful that we have him or her in our life.

Then to extend the exercise, Dr. Gottman recommends writing a love note to our partner expressing how much we cherish him or her for these qualities, even reading our letter aloud during a date-night or time alone together.

When I learned my lesson with the cabinet doors so many years ago, I had never heard of Dr. Gottman, but I recognize now that by turning my focus to the positive aspects of my husband's nature and of our relationship, I was creating a powerful tool to use when future bigger challenges come along. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

Hafen, Bruce C. (2005), Covenant Hearts, Shadow Mountain. 

Walters, Lola B., "The Grapefruit Syndrome", Ensign, April 1993. https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1993/04/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

When my husband and I were still fairly new to marriage, we took an institute class together. (Institute is an organization within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in which young adults take courses on various religious topics.) One day the instructor was teaching a lesson about the power of the Atonement of Christ to bless every aspect of our lives and he turned to my husband and asked: "Would you ever cheat on your wife?" My husband was really startled by that question and exclaimed, "No! Of course not. I would never do that!" (Good answer!) And then the teacher asked, "Why?" My husband tried to verbalize why he could and would never do that and talked about how much he loves me and that we'd made a marriage covenant in the temple (see last week's post for a more in depth explanation about covenant marriage)
, but we could tell that those weren't the answers that the teacher was looking for. Finally the instructor said, "I'll tell you why you would never cheat on your wife. It's because you put Jesus Christ first and when you include Him and the power of His Atonement, your marriage will not fail." It was a powerful teaching and one that we have always tried to keep at the forefront of our marriage.

In the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, the author talks about the importance of putting off the natural man, or rather giving up those tendencies that we are prone to and that we learn throughout our lives which are not helpful or healthy for a marriage relationship--or any relationship really. To have happy and successful marriages, we must follow the example of Jesus Christ and become more humble and kind toward one another and we need to apply the principles of His Atonement into our relationship. Dr. Goddard says: "When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us one." This is what my husband tried but failed to articulate that day in class, but was heart of the answer our institute instructor was trying to get at. When we put our Heavenly Father and our Savior first, everything else will fall into place and even when we may have disagreements or conflict from time to time, we will be far better able to keep an eternal perspective and respond to each other with love and caring, even when we face challenges in our relationship.

My husband and I are best friends and we have been since the very beginning of our relationship. Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and researcher, and founder of the Gottman Institute, says that the basis of happy marriages is deep friendship. He states: "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. they have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."

My husband and I have had our ups and downs as most marriages do. We have had our share of conflict, including one patch where we really struggled and I remember actually wondering if we would be able to weather that particular storm. But through it all, we have been friends and I think that has made a huge difference. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and we care about one another deeply, in spite of petty annoyances, periods of intense adversity that have put strain on our relationship, and bouts of conflict and disagreements.

Dr. Gottman says that the trick is to keep the positive interactions and feelings at a "magic ratio"of 5:1, meaning that for every negative interaction, there are at least five positive interactions. Conflict will come to every marriage and it can become very negative if we allow ourselves to become defensive, critical or contemptuous or when we shut out our partner by stonewalling (these things are what Gottman terms "The Four Horsemen"), but when we can handle that conflict well by remaining positive, showing that we still care for our partner even as we disagree, being empathetic and apologetic, seeing things from their perspective, and even lightening the mood with humor, we can manage our disagreements and still maintain our deep friendship and love for one another.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

Marriage: A Covenant or a Contract

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my husband and I made a choice to be married in a temple rather than any other setting. We chose this place because we firmly believe that a temple marriage is a marriage that will last beyond death, throughout eternity. A marriage that is expected to last forever is not a marriage that should be taken lightly. It is a marriage which is more than just a piece of paper or a contract between two individuals. It is, rather, a covenant between a husband, a wife, and the Lord.

As we entered into our marriage covenant almost twenty five years ago, we could not know how hard we would have to work for our happily ever after. We couldn't foresee the challenges that would come into our lives and our marriage and how we would be tested. But keeping an eternal perspective has made all the difference.

There is a wonderful talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled "Covenant Marriage". In it, he states: "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. . . .But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through."

One thing that really stands out in that quote is that just because we have a covenant marriage, it doesn't mean that we are free from troubles. In both types of marriage, troubles will come. It's our response to those troubles that is the difference in each type. Elder Hafen says that couples in a contract marriage each give 50 percent while couples in a covenant marriage will each give 100 percent.

He also mentions three types of "wolves" that come to every marriage:

1. Natural Adversity: We all have hard challenges that we have to face from time to time. Things like illness, death, finances, job losses, etc. can test even the strongest marriages. In my marriage, we have faced some big ones: chronic depression in my husband, a difficult cranial surgery and recovery for me, a son with serious congenital heart defects, another son with anaphylactic food allergies and asthma, and financial strain caused by the medical expenses of all of these. Any one of these trials could have ended a contract marriage, but since we try to keep an eternal perspective, we have weathered them all and learned a whole lot in the process that has helped us come out even stronger as individuals and as a couple.

2. Own Imperfections: Our words can wound or uplift. Our relationships can be damaged when a spouse constantly complains or criticizes everything we do. We need to recognize that neither of us is perfect. My husband is very sweet and has never intentionally said something so critical of me or complained so often that it would erode our relationship and affect my self worth. Likewise, I try to be caring in my remarks to him. However, sometimes if we take things the wrong way and interpret criticism where none was intended, we can allow cracks to form in our marriage. Communication is so important and if our feelings have been hurt, we should talk about that and try to figure out what was actually meant rather than letting our hurt fester and creating further negativity in our responses to our spouse. We should also look for every opportunity to compliment our spouse and build him or her up rather than tear them down.

3. Excessive Individualism: This is a pretty huge wolf in today's world. It's all about "me", "mine", "I". Elder Hafen says: "The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it." The "need" to have separate lives can really drive couples apart. I don't think that means we have to spend every minute together. I do feel that it's important to keep our individual identities and still maintain our hobbies and friendships. And any busy mom will tell you that having "alone time" can be a precious gift. But when we start spending too much time by ourselves and sacrificing time with our spouse and family for selfish individual pursuits, that can create trouble. My husband and I do enjoy some different things but we also have hobbies we enjoy together and no matter how busy the day is, even if we haven't had more than a few minutes together, we always try to at least check in with each other at the end of the day and to share with each other what we did and how the day went. It helps us feel connected in this increasingly disconnected world.

Now, does weathering all these things mean that we never struggle or that our marriage has never undergone some serious stress? Definitely not. It's hard to keep that eternal perspective 100 percent of the time. But we work at it and we don't quit even when it seems like that would be the easiest thing. We try to remember that just because we entered into a covenant relationship, it's really easy to have it become a contract one if we don't work for it. We have seen too many of our family members and friends who had covenant temple marriages that became contract marriages and they are no longer together. It's a good reminder for us to keep an eternal perspective and to keep the Lord at the head of our marriage because as we put Him first, turn to him, and follow His example, that brings us closer together as a couple and makes us so much happier even when the hard times come.

Hafen, Bruce C. ("Covenant Marriage", Ensign, November 1996.)

Defending Marriage

Words have power.

This week I read the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage (Obergefell V. Hodges, 2015). In studying the words of the majority opinion, I could almost understand why people have such strong feelings in favor of same sex-marriage. The majority used the personal examples of three of the petitioners to tug at our heart strings: a dying partner, mother's of special needs children, and a U.S.military sergeant. They recognize the history of marriage between a man and a woman but argue that "rights come not from ancient sources alone. They rise, too, from a better informed understanding of how constitutional imperatives define a liberty in our own era." They declare that the right of same-sex couples to marry is a liberty promised in the 14th amendment and they used past cases like Loving V. Virginia (right to interracial marriage) to persuasively argue that the same rights should apply to all couples. They used words like "disrespect" and "subordinate" to describe the harm caused to same-sex couples who have had to deal with such a long history of disapproval. They went to great lengths to point out that not only does a same-sex couple have any bearing on anyone else and couldn't possibly harm the institution of traditional marriage, but they even claimed that it would strengthen the institution because those couples are creating families, and since children do better in families where the parents are married, it would be a positive outcome for the institution of marriage and family life. As someone who knows and loves some same-sex individuals, I found these arguments very persuasive and can completely understand where many supporters are coming from when they feel that this is a great step forward for our nation.

The dissenting judges also used  powerful words.

Their main focus was on the unconstitutionality of the ruling--that in making this ruling, five judges were effectively stealing the right for the states to decide from the people. Justice Roberts states: "When decisions are reached through democratic means, some people will be disappointed with the results. But those whose views do not prevail at least know that they have had their say, and accordingly are--in the tradition of our political culture--reconciled to the result of a fair and honest debate. . . .Indeed, however heartened the proponents of same-sex marriage might be on this day, it is worth acknowledging that they have lost, and lost forever; the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause"(Roberts, 2015). This really resonates with me. During our last state election, there were several issues on the ballot, including the legalization of recreational marijuana. There were a lot of pretty intense debates and argument from people on both sides of the issue. As someone who vehemently voted "NO", I was very disappointed that the measure passed by a narrow margin. However, I recognize that it was the people in my state who had that choice and the majority used their right to vote to make that change. In the Supreme Court case, we were stripped of that right even though as Justice Thomas pointed out in his dissent, that of the 35 states to put same sex marriage on their ballots, 32 voted to keep the traditional definition of marriage.

The dissenting judges expressed their apprehension about how this ruling would affect religious liberty. That was one of the things that caused me grave concern as well. In the majority ruling of the Supreme Court, they pointed out that those who oppose same-sex marriage would still have that right and that under the protection of the 1st Amendment, religions could still "teach" and "advocate" the religious principles that are central to their faith and that they can continue to live their lives as they always have.  Justice Roberts points out that the 1st Amendment allows citizens to "exercise" their religious beliefs but that word was "ominously absent" in the majority statement. Justice Alito says: "We will soon see whether this [religious rights being unaffected] proves to be true. I assume that those who cling to old beliefs will be able to whisper their thoughts in the recesses of their homes, but if they repeat those vows in public, they will risk being labeled as bigots and treated as such by governments, employers and schools."

Unfortunately, my husband is experiencing this firsthand at the small college that employs him. Theoretically, his job is protected by tenure. However, if his behavior as a professor demonstrates what is deemed intolerance or harassment, he could face losing his job. Because there are a very high number of ultra-liberal employees on campus, if he were to so much as insinuate a belief in marriage between a man and a woman, he could be labeled a bigot, face serious backlash and condemnation, and his employment could be on the line. The very small number of employees with more conservative and religious views at the school are not being allowed to "exercise" their right to their beliefs. It seems it's only fine to believe as they do if they keep their mouths shut. (To be clear, we actually really love where we live and my husband loves his job. And chances are if he shares his beliefs from time to time on campus, he probably won't be fired. It has just been tricky to navigate things in the wake of the Supreme Court ruling and he often feels that he has to walk on eggshells to not say or do something that would provoke controversy. And that makes him feel like he can't say anything.)

Our Church leaders also have power in their words.

President Russell M. Nelson, the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, proclaimed in a 2014 BYU commencement address, "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It wasn't created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God." He taught that we must step up boldly but compassionately as full disciples of Christ in defending marriage as God defined it, as between one man and one woman.

I remember as a newlywed in 1995 when the family proclamation was first read by President Gordon B. Hinckley in a women's session of conference. I loved it. I ascribed to the statements it contained. But I had no idea then how prophetic it would prove and how much more relevant it would be 20 years later when the Supreme Court made its ruling mandating same-sex marriage as a right and a law in all 50 states.

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, past Young Women General President also issued a call for us to be defenders of marriage and family. She said "we need to boldly defend the Lord’s revealed doctrines describing marriage, families, the divine roles of men and women, and the importance of homes as sacred places—even when the world is shouting in our ears that these principles are outdated, limiting, or no longer relevant."

We face an uphill battle. It will not be easy to remain steadfast in the face of such immense opposition to our religious beliefs, but we have to be firm and we have to keep trying. It won't be easy to speak up over the volume of the world, but we have to make our voices heard. Our government, the media, and same-sex marriage supporters' words have power.

But so do ours.

References

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement. 

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the  United States.https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf 

Oscarson Bonnie, L. ("Defenders of the Family Proclamation", Ensign, May 2015).  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/defenders-of-the-family-proclamation?lang=eng

Divorce

Why on earth would I write a post about divorce on a marriage blog?

Because it is a topic that cannot be ignored if we want to create happy, healthy marriages. Most of us are aware that the divorce rate stands around 40-50%. And most of us who are married or getting married, go into it with the idea that we will not be one of those statistics; that somehow our marriage will be different. But I would be willing to bet that the majority of those 40-50 percenters out there also went into their marriages with the notion that they would have lasting marriages. So divorce, as unpleasant as it may be to think about, does need to be recognized so that we can do our best to safeguard our marriages.

I was ten days shy of my 20th birthday when I married my husband. When my parents announced that they were getting divorced, I had been married for three whole months. Even though I was an adult and people repeatedly told me "at least you're older so it doesn't affect you", I was shattered. I knew they had been having issues. A year before I got married I had gone home for the summer and looking back, I still view that time as one of the most miserable summers of my entire life. My parents were fighting constantly and they were consumed by anger. My siblings and I looked for any opportunities we could find to escape that house and all of the contention. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I got the phone call telling me that they were splitting up. But I guess I just hoped that they would weather that particular storm and work things out.

Still in those early days of my new marriage, the news from my parents crushed my positive outlook for my own happy, eternal marriage. I wondered if my parent's, who had a romance and temple marriage right out of a fairy tale couldn't make it work, if it was inevitable that I would wind up in the same boat after 23 years of my own marriage. In one of my tearful conversations with my husband, he said something that sort of became our mantra: "We are not your parents. We decide what our marriage will be."

And we have. It has not been easy. There have been challenges along the way that could have broken other marriages--chronic depression in my husband, cranial surgery and a long recovery for me, two kids with sensory processing disorder, one kid with anaphylactic food allergies, another with a serious congenital heart defect, and financial strain caused by all of the above. Many of these trials could and have broken up marriages. President James E. Faust talked about "just cause" for ending a marriage and he said it does not include things like "'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor having 'grown apart,' or having 'fallen out of love'” (Father, Come Home,"Ensign, May 1993, 35). I'm pretty sure that most of those things have popped up at one time or another in my own marriage to some degree as they do in many marriages. But my husband and I made a commitment and a covenant to each other and we have put each other first, even when sometimes we may not have wanted to. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer--making it past the 23 years my parents were married before they were divorced.

Speaking of my parents. They each remarried 9 years ago--to each other. I was so thrilled to see them recognize that they still love each other and are better together than apart. I love that they are active in church again and active in the lives of their children and grandchildren. In a talk by Dallin H. Oaks, he quoted a study that  showed “no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later” ("Divorce", Ensign, May 2007). I can't help but wonder how different things might be now if my parents had worked through their issues instead of breaking up. My older siblings and I escaped some of the statistics that children of divorced parents are at higher risk for, but my younger siblings weren't so fortunate. Two of them experimented with drugs and alcohol; the same two cohabited before marriage, one had a baby out of wedlock, another is on her third marriage; five siblings have never been married and don't feel any inclination toward it, several siblings had issues in school with grades and one sibling dropped out of school altogether. Would they have made these same choices or had the same experiences if my parents had remained married? I don't know. But knowing that children in stable two parent families are more likely to thrive (State of Our Unions 2012, The National Marriage Project, p. xii), I can't help but think things may have been different for my siblings had my parents gotten help for their marriage and stayed together.

My husband and I have tried to instill in our children the importance of choosing wisely when it comes to marriage and then being willing to stick with their choice. I hope that someday when they are navigating their own successful marriages, they will look at the marriage of their parents as their inspiration for how to make a marriage work.