When I was married almost 25 years ago, I could not stop smiling. I was so blissfully happy as my husband and I left the temple together. I wasn't so ignorant that I thought we would live happily ever after and life would be easy for us. I was just really optimistic that together true love would conquer all! To some degree that has actually been true. Our love and commitment to each other has gotten us through some really tough challenges.
But first, I had to conquer the cabinet doors. Before our marriage, I used to laugh and tease my husband about his seeming inability to close the kitchen cabinets when he took something out or put something away. It seemed like a funny little personality quirk back then. But after marriage, the habit was no longer cute. I always left for work and school early in the morning and my husband had classes and work later. I would come home every afternoon to an apartment kitchen with EVERY. SINGLE. CABINET. opened. I would sigh and close them all and after awhile I began getting seriously annoyed. It was worse on the days that I didn't catch an open cabinet until I would turn and bash my head on the corner of the door. Pretty soon, those doors were about the only thing I could think of. Never mind that my husband always put the toilet seat down. Never mind that he packed my lunches every day or that he did the laundry and dishes and always kept gas in the car for me. All I could think about was how thoughtless he was to leave the cabinet doors open in spite of my repeated asking.
Then one day I was reading an article in the Ensign, a magazine that is published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The author described an experience early in her marriage where she had read about an idea that suggested that couples would be closer if they could express their annoyances to each other so they could address them and improve. She decided she and her husband should try it, in spite of his reluctance. They were supposed to list five things that annoyed them about each other and she went first. The biggest issue she had was the way that her husband ate grapefruit by peeling it like an orange. It just aggravated her so much that she couldn't take it anymore and questioned whether she could seriously be expected to spend eternity with a man who couldn't eat grapefruit like a normal person. When it was his turn to express his annoyances, he couldn't think of a single thing!
Of course the wife felt terrible and so did I as I realized my petty anger over my husband's one fault was creating bad feelings in my marriage. I knew too, that my husband would respond the same way the husband in the story did, in spite of my awareness that I was imperfect and had plenty of things that I'm sure he could find annoying. I resolved to try to focus on all the positive things about my husband rather than this one ridiculous concern, and it made the biggest difference. Did I never get annoyed by the cabinets again? Of course not. It still drives me a little bonkers--especially because now 4 of my 5 children have the same issue. But now instead of letting that annoyance fester, I take a breath, close the doors, and move on.
Dr. John Gottman says that as obvious as it may seem, "People who are happily married like each other." He suggests that there are two qualities, fondness, and admiration, that are crucial to married friendships. He states, "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities --even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating." Developing these qualities will prevent the four horsemen from invading our relationships.
One way to strengthen our fondness and admiration for each other is to create what Dr. Gottman says is to learn to cherish each other by checking off ten qualities that we admire in each other (the total opposite of the recommendation in the grapefruit story!). These are traits such as being dependable, forgiving, funny, honest, inquisitive, knowledgeable, loyal, responsible, sensitive, or supportive.
After choosing ten qualities, we're to take note of a time our partner displayed each one. Then we tell ourselves how lucky we are to be with our partner. The idea is to then use the list to focus on our fond feelings toward our partner and let ourselves feel grateful that we have him or her in our life.
Then to extend the exercise, Dr. Gottman recommends writing a love note to our partner expressing how much we cherish him or her for these qualities, even reading our letter aloud during a date-night or time alone together.
When I learned my lesson with the cabinet doors so many years ago, I had never heard of Dr. Gottman, but I recognize now that by turning my focus to the positive aspects of my husband's nature and of our relationship, I was creating a powerful tool to use when future bigger challenges come along.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.
Hafen, Bruce C. (2005), Covenant Hearts, Shadow Mountain.
Walters, Lola B., "The Grapefruit Syndrome", Ensign, April 1993. https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1993/04/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng
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