President Henry B. Eyring, who serves in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says: "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity. ...The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end."
Over the past weeks that I have been writing this blog, I have established the importance of developing a strong married relationship, of being kind and being communicators, of having a covenant marriage rather than a contract relationship, and of giving one another the benefit of the doubt as we try to see our spouse as the Lord sees us.
This is especially necessary when children enter the picture. Kids can change the whole dynamic of a relationship and while they are some of the biggest blessings couples can experience, they can also pose some of the biggest challenges in a relationship. Dr. Richard B. Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, reminds us that husbands and wives must establish their hierarchy over their children. That doesn't mean that we are allowed to be "domineering, or dictatorial" but that we need to establish ourselves as united leaders in the family. He says husbands and wives must work together and support each other in the presence of their children, even if they disagree with each other. And if they disagree, they should hold a "private executive session" to talk about about their feelings.
Another leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder M. Russell Ballard, has written and talked about the importance of councils--from the highest leadership positions of the church all the way to the family. Some characteristics that he recommends councils have are an agenda which keeps the meeting focused and lets council members prepare their thoughts beforehand, expressions of love and concern at the beginning of the meeting, which reminds members that we all want to be united, a prayer together to invite the Lord's spirit, and then a thorough discussion of agenda items that each council member can share their feelings and insights about as the group comes to a unanimous agreement of each item.
I have had experiences with my own family where calling first an executive council and then meeting together as a whole family has helped invite peace over a contentious argument. Here is an example of how a situation like this may go:
I'm upstairs when I hear the voices of my husband and one of my children. I can tell it is escalating so I go downstairs to see what is happening. My husband is very upset with this particular child because he has a certain job to do and hasn't done it. Not only that. but this child is now saying that he won't be able get it done that day. My husband is lecturing loudly about priorities and laziness and I can see our son becoming hurt and defensive. My husband turns to me and says, "Can I get a little support here?", meaning he wants me to side with him in his verbal reprimand of our son. The problem is, I feel my husband is being too harsh and that if he would listen to our son, he could understand why the job hasn't been done and why it needs to be put off a little longer. But I also know it's not a good idea to disagree with him in front of our children, so I say, "Yes, I'll support you, but I'd like to talk to you first so you can fill me in on what is happening." My husband agrees to take a break and he and I hold an impromptu family council. He explains to me what has happened and shares why he is frustrated. I'm able to show him love and support by recognizing his feelings and frustration but then explaining why I think he was being a little too harsh over this incident; that it is not the end of the world if this particular job doesn't get done right away, and that I feel that having a family council to talk about the issue and generate ideas from the children for how they can be more responsible in their assigned tasks. might go a long way in helping the situation.
So the next step is to have a family council. We can handle this in one of two ways: by having a meeting with this particular child or having a meeting with all of the children. Because all of the children have been struggling to complete their assigned chores in a timely manner, we decide to include everyone--which also helps our son to not feel that we are ganging up on him or singling him out. In the family council we can express our concerns about the chores not getting done and let the children discuss the issues they're having that seem to be preventing the work getting done. Together we brainstorm ideas for how we can rearrange some activities or schedules to get the work done; we may even re-assign the jobs between the children so that they can fit in different jobs into their schedules better. Once we all agree on the new plan, we put it into practice with the idea to have another follow up council to discuss how things are working or if we need to tweak things again. This helps the kids feel like they are a part of the solution, it means less nagging from me or my husband, and it keeps us united both as a couple and family as we keep arguments and contention out of our home.
As we invite the Lord's Spirit to be more present in our home, we will be happier and more peaceful and we will learn to love each other the way our Savior loves each of us. President Eyring stated: "A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. ...It is our surrender to the authority of Jesus Christ which will allow us to be bound as families, as a Church, and as the children of our Heavenly Father."
Ballard, M.R. (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. "Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church".
Eyring H.B., "That We May Be One", Ensign, May 1998, 66.
Miller, R.B., "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families", BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.
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