, but we could tell that those weren't the answers that the teacher was looking for. Finally the instructor said, "I'll tell you why you would never cheat on your wife. It's because you put Jesus Christ first and when you include Him and the power of His Atonement, your marriage will not fail." It was a powerful teaching and one that we have always tried to keep at the forefront of our marriage.
In the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, the author talks about the importance of putting off the natural man, or rather giving up those tendencies that we are prone to and that we learn throughout our lives which are not helpful or healthy for a marriage relationship--or any relationship really. To have happy and successful marriages, we must follow the example of Jesus Christ and become more humble and kind toward one another and we need to apply the principles of His Atonement into our relationship. Dr. Goddard says: "When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us one." This is what my husband tried but failed to articulate that day in class, but was heart of the answer our institute instructor was trying to get at. When we put our Heavenly Father and our Savior first, everything else will fall into place and even when we may have disagreements or conflict from time to time, we will be far better able to keep an eternal perspective and respond to each other with love and caring, even when we face challenges in our relationship.
My husband and I are best friends and we have been since the very beginning of our relationship. Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and researcher, and founder of the Gottman Institute, says that the basis of happy marriages is deep friendship. He states: "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. they have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."
My husband and I have had our ups and downs as most marriages do. We have had our share of conflict, including one patch where we really struggled and I remember actually wondering if we would be able to weather that particular storm. But through it all, we have been friends and I think that has made a huge difference. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and we care about one another deeply, in spite of petty annoyances, periods of intense adversity that have put strain on our relationship, and bouts of conflict and disagreements.
Dr. Gottman says that the trick is to keep the positive interactions and feelings at a "magic ratio"of 5:1, meaning that for every negative interaction, there are at least five positive interactions. Conflict will come to every marriage and it can become very negative if we allow ourselves to become defensive, critical or contemptuous or when we shut out our partner by stonewalling (these things are what Gottman terms "The Four Horsemen"), but when we can handle that conflict well by remaining positive, showing that we still care for our partner even as we disagree, being empathetic and apologetic, seeing things from their perspective, and even lightening the mood with humor, we can manage our disagreements and still maintain our deep friendship and love for one another.
References
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
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