Humdrum Happiness

Dr. John M. Gottman says: "Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Dr. Gottman goes on to explain that within marriage each partner will make "bids" for each other's attention. These bids can be very simple from "I'm so tired, I just can't face the sink full of dishes tonight." Or they can be more complex like asking our partner to help us shoulder a load during a particularly emotional or stressful time. Partners respond to these bids by either turning toward each other or away from one another.

Dr. Gottman says that each time partners turn toward each other they are funding what he terms an "emotional bank account". They build up savings in this account just as we might put money into a financial account and the savings becomes a buffer for when challenges come to a marriage. Often the things that we do to fund our emotional bank account are little seemingly insignificant things but they can add up to huge savings over the course of a marriage.

One thing that my husband and I have done from the early days of our marriage, no matter how busy our day has been or how little we saw of each other, is to check in with each other before bed. We ask how the day went and discuss the good and the bad things that happened and we touch bases about our agenda for tomorrow. This keeps us connected especially during busy or stressful times and it helps us to know at least what the other is doing even when we won't be seeing much of each other. We also will usually try to check in with each other once throughout the day at work--these short conversations can be a great pick-me-up as we take a break to say hello to each other.

Another thing that we do is to look for small ways that we can lighten the load of the other. Sometimes these small things become the means for great blessings. For example, the town that we live in is about twenty minutes from the town where we go to church and it's also where our children attend school. My husband loathes making that drive over and over again since he has become the designated seminary driver for my daughter early each morning. (Seminary is a before-school religion class for high school students in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) In addition to driving every morning, there are always after school activities that don't always have bus transportation and there are often school concerts, plays, sporting events, etc. that require us to make more trips. My husband grumbles about this so much that whenever I am able, I volunteer to go pick up a child from a practice or to check them out of school for an appointment.

When our youngest daughter told us that she wanted to audition for a play with a community theatre, which of course is in the next town over, I knew that if we said yes, I would be the one to have to take her to and from rehearsals. Normally, that would be fine, but I'm taking some classes this semester that are taking up a great deal more of my time than usual and I was a little stressed about my ability to make the drive so often. However, from the very first audition and the practices since, my husband has taken on that job and not only continues to make the drive to early morning seminary but makes return trips in the evening to play practice. I know how much he dislikes that drive, but he hasn't complained even once and when I have offered to give him a break he always says that he's fine and that he is actually enjoying the time he gets to connect with our youngest daughter who gets particularly chatty on car rides. The sacrifice that he is making has freed up my time in the evenings to be able to work on my classes and I cannot express how grateful I am to him for taking over this task. It has brought us closer together at a time where we actually have less time to spend together and that seems like a huge thing to me.

In The Church of Jesus Christ we have a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants and in it there is a scripture in Section  64, verse 33 which states:  "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

As I relate this scripture to marriage, to me it means that in all of the small, even humdrum and ordinary ways we turn toward each other, we are strengthening our marriage and laying the foundation for a relationship that will last for eternity. And if that isn't romantic, I don't know what is.



Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1989). The Doctrine and covenants of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.Salt Lake City, UT: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.