In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Dr. John Gottman says that marriage comes with two kinds of conflicts--either they can be solved or they can't. It may seem a bit shocking to learn that about 69% of marital issues fall into the category of unsolvable problems. How is it possible that there can be so many happy marriages if everyone is going around with unresolved marital issues? Dr. Gottman says, "Happy couples learn to keep problems in their place and approach them with humor." They don't ignore those problems either. They acknowledge them and talk about them but they try to do so in a good-natured way. Basically couples just learn to cope with the things that they know aren't going to be changing any time soon and they put their partner over the problem.
Still, in any marriage we can expect conflict to arise from time to time, whether over an unsolvable problem or an issue that is able to be solved but may take some work to get there. Dr. Gottman says that "...the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality." He says it's a bit like just making sure we practice good manners around our spouse. We may find it a helpful reminder if we consider how we would talk to an acquaintance.
I remember years ago when I hung up the phone after talking to someone from church and my oldest son who was probably about 9 at the time said, "I can always tell when you answer the phone if it's Dad or if it's someone else because you always sound so happy to talk to other people but when Dad calls you just sound tired." Talk about a wake-up call! Why do we often treat our families who we love the most in the worst ways? Shouldn't I be greeting my husband, who I love most in the world, with the same or better enthusiasm than I do the receptionist calling from the doctor's office?
Dr. Gottman suggests that when dealing with conflict there are four steps to keep in mind that will help us manage our problems more effectively:
1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
I have noticed that one of the biggest issues my husband and I face is in dealing with step number one. It's very difficult to get to the other steps when we get hung up on a harsh start-up. For example, I had a habit that just irked my husband for years. I'm sure he felt that it was one of those unsolvable problems in our relationship. I could never seem to remember to turn off my curling iron when I finished using it in the mornings. I realize this was a hazard both for potential fire and injuries. And, while I never burned the house down, my husband did receive several burns from my carelessness. Whenever he discovered that I'd left the curling iron on again he would say, (with a bite of anger in his voice), "Are you finished with the curling iron?" The words weren't necessarily the harsh start-up but his tone of voice would definitely set me on edge and I often responded back with sarcasm or anger of my own.
Then one morning things went wrong from the very start and for the first time in a few months, I left the curling iron on all day again. That evening my husband again asked, "Are you finished with the curling iron?" in that same tone of voice and I immediately felt so much anger as I responded that this was the first time in months that I had forgotten and couldn't he give me a little credit for having done so well? His response was, a sarcastic "sure it's the first time in months." He actually hadn't even noticed that I had made the change! In his mind, he just wasn't catching me at my bad habit so he thought I was still "always" leaving the curling iron on. I was resentful and angry; my temper set him off further and we wound up having a big fight over such a ridiculous issue.
Had he used a softer start-up or had I responded less harshly or better yet, let him in earlier on my successful attempts at changing my bad habit, we could have avoided this conflict completely and just recognized my slip-up as a consequence of the crazy morning. Thankfully we did eventually make our way toward a successful resolution and we can report that this issue which seemed perpetual was actually solvable.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a general authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught that Satan's strategy in his design to destroy our family relationships, is to stir up anger between family members. He states: "The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feeling chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers." This sounds exactly like what had happened with the curling iron issue! When we allow anger to enter into our hearts toward our spouse, we wind up letting bitterness and resentment fester only to return at another time as the conflicts continue.
One big thing that helps our marriages is to practice consecration--that is giving our whole selves to our spouses. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", says that those who have consecrated their lives to God, "...and have experimented with His ways...know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become." And he goes on to assert that the same is true for us as we consecrate ourselves to our marriages. As we become willing to let go of our petty grievances and preferences and annoyances, we will come to recognize the amazing qualities and gifts of our partner in spite of the limitations we each have as human beings. When we can give our lives to God and to our husbands or wives, "Life gets inexpressibly good" (Goddard, 99).
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
Robbins, L.G. "Agency and Anger", Ensign, May 1998, p.80.
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