Humdrum Happiness

Dr. John M. Gottman says: "Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Dr. Gottman goes on to explain that within marriage each partner will make "bids" for each other's attention. These bids can be very simple from "I'm so tired, I just can't face the sink full of dishes tonight." Or they can be more complex like asking our partner to help us shoulder a load during a particularly emotional or stressful time. Partners respond to these bids by either turning toward each other or away from one another.

Dr. Gottman says that each time partners turn toward each other they are funding what he terms an "emotional bank account". They build up savings in this account just as we might put money into a financial account and the savings becomes a buffer for when challenges come to a marriage. Often the things that we do to fund our emotional bank account are little seemingly insignificant things but they can add up to huge savings over the course of a marriage.

One thing that my husband and I have done from the early days of our marriage, no matter how busy our day has been or how little we saw of each other, is to check in with each other before bed. We ask how the day went and discuss the good and the bad things that happened and we touch bases about our agenda for tomorrow. This keeps us connected especially during busy or stressful times and it helps us to know at least what the other is doing even when we won't be seeing much of each other. We also will usually try to check in with each other once throughout the day at work--these short conversations can be a great pick-me-up as we take a break to say hello to each other.

Another thing that we do is to look for small ways that we can lighten the load of the other. Sometimes these small things become the means for great blessings. For example, the town that we live in is about twenty minutes from the town where we go to church and it's also where our children attend school. My husband loathes making that drive over and over again since he has become the designated seminary driver for my daughter early each morning. (Seminary is a before-school religion class for high school students in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) In addition to driving every morning, there are always after school activities that don't always have bus transportation and there are often school concerts, plays, sporting events, etc. that require us to make more trips. My husband grumbles about this so much that whenever I am able, I volunteer to go pick up a child from a practice or to check them out of school for an appointment.

When our youngest daughter told us that she wanted to audition for a play with a community theatre, which of course is in the next town over, I knew that if we said yes, I would be the one to have to take her to and from rehearsals. Normally, that would be fine, but I'm taking some classes this semester that are taking up a great deal more of my time than usual and I was a little stressed about my ability to make the drive so often. However, from the very first audition and the practices since, my husband has taken on that job and not only continues to make the drive to early morning seminary but makes return trips in the evening to play practice. I know how much he dislikes that drive, but he hasn't complained even once and when I have offered to give him a break he always says that he's fine and that he is actually enjoying the time he gets to connect with our youngest daughter who gets particularly chatty on car rides. The sacrifice that he is making has freed up my time in the evenings to be able to work on my classes and I cannot express how grateful I am to him for taking over this task. It has brought us closer together at a time where we actually have less time to spend together and that seems like a huge thing to me.

In The Church of Jesus Christ we have a book of scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants and in it there is a scripture in Section  64, verse 33 which states:  "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

As I relate this scripture to marriage, to me it means that in all of the small, even humdrum and ordinary ways we turn toward each other, we are strengthening our marriage and laying the foundation for a relationship that will last for eternity. And if that isn't romantic, I don't know what is.



Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1989). The Doctrine and covenants of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.Salt Lake City, UT: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Grapefruits and Cabinet Doors: Learning to Cherish One Another in Marriage

In his book Covenant Hearts, Elder Bruce C. Hafen states that "most newly married couples can hardly grasp what awaits them when they happily walk, arm in arm, from the garden-like temple grounds. If they did realize what lies ahead, they would probably walk more slowly like Adam and Eve, driven from Eden, bowed down in unspoken sorrow. Do they know that it is only a matter of time until trouble comes and that it will keep returning, because learning from hard things is what life is all about?"

When I was married almost 25 years ago, I could not stop smiling. I was so blissfully happy as my husband and I left the temple together. I wasn't so ignorant that I thought we would live happily ever after and life would be easy for us. I was just really optimistic that together true love would conquer all! To some degree that has actually been true. Our love and commitment to each other has gotten us through some really tough challenges.

But first, I had to conquer the cabinet doors. Before our marriage, I used to laugh and tease my husband about his seeming inability to close the kitchen cabinets when he took something out or put something away. It seemed like a funny little personality quirk back then. But after marriage, the habit was no longer cute. I always left for work and school early in the morning and my husband had classes and work later. I would come home every afternoon to an apartment kitchen with EVERY. SINGLE. CABINET. opened. I would sigh and close them all and after awhile I began getting seriously annoyed. It was worse on the days that I didn't catch an open cabinet until I would turn and bash my head on the corner of the door. Pretty soon, those doors were about the only thing I could think of. Never mind that my husband always put the toilet seat down. Never mind that he packed my lunches every day or that he did the laundry and dishes and always kept gas in the car for me. All I could think about was how thoughtless he was to leave the cabinet doors open in spite of my repeated asking.

Then one day I was reading an article in the Ensign, a magazine that is published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The author described an experience early in her marriage where she had read about an idea that suggested that couples would be closer if they could express their annoyances to each other so they could address them and improve. She decided she and her husband should try it, in spite of his reluctance. They were supposed to list five things that annoyed them about each other and she went first. The biggest issue she had was the way that her husband ate grapefruit by peeling it like an orange. It just aggravated her so much that she couldn't take it anymore and questioned whether she could seriously be expected to spend eternity with a man who couldn't eat grapefruit like a normal person. When it was his turn to express his annoyances, he couldn't think of a single thing!

Of course the wife felt terrible and so did I as I realized my petty anger over my husband's one fault was creating bad feelings in my marriage. I knew too, that my husband would respond the same way the husband in the story did, in spite of my awareness that I was imperfect and had plenty of things that I'm sure he could find annoying. I resolved to try to focus on all the positive things about my husband rather than this one ridiculous concern, and it made the biggest difference. Did I never get annoyed by the cabinets again? Of course not. It still drives me a little bonkers--especially because now 4 of my 5 children have the same issue. But now instead of letting that annoyance fester, I take a breath, close the doors, and move on.

Dr. John Gottman says that as obvious as it may seem, "People who are happily married like each other." He suggests that there are two qualities, fondness, and admiration, that are crucial to married friendships. He states, "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities --even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating." Developing these qualities will prevent the four horsemen from invading our relationships.

One way to strengthen our fondness and admiration for each other is to create what Dr. Gottman says is to learn to cherish each other by checking off ten qualities that we admire in each other (the total opposite of the recommendation in the grapefruit story!). These are traits such as being dependable, forgiving, funny, honest, inquisitive, knowledgeable, loyal, responsible, sensitive, or supportive.

After choosing ten qualities, we're to take note of a time our partner displayed each one. Then we tell ourselves how lucky we are to be with our partner. The idea is to then use the list to focus on our fond feelings toward our partner and let ourselves feel grateful that we have him or her in our life.

Then to extend the exercise, Dr. Gottman recommends writing a love note to our partner expressing how much we cherish him or her for these qualities, even reading our letter aloud during a date-night or time alone together.

When I learned my lesson with the cabinet doors so many years ago, I had never heard of Dr. Gottman, but I recognize now that by turning my focus to the positive aspects of my husband's nature and of our relationship, I was creating a powerful tool to use when future bigger challenges come along. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

Hafen, Bruce C. (2005), Covenant Hearts, Shadow Mountain. 

Walters, Lola B., "The Grapefruit Syndrome", Ensign, April 1993. https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1993/04/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

When my husband and I were still fairly new to marriage, we took an institute class together. (Institute is an organization within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in which young adults take courses on various religious topics.) One day the instructor was teaching a lesson about the power of the Atonement of Christ to bless every aspect of our lives and he turned to my husband and asked: "Would you ever cheat on your wife?" My husband was really startled by that question and exclaimed, "No! Of course not. I would never do that!" (Good answer!) And then the teacher asked, "Why?" My husband tried to verbalize why he could and would never do that and talked about how much he loves me and that we'd made a marriage covenant in the temple (see last week's post for a more in depth explanation about covenant marriage)
, but we could tell that those weren't the answers that the teacher was looking for. Finally the instructor said, "I'll tell you why you would never cheat on your wife. It's because you put Jesus Christ first and when you include Him and the power of His Atonement, your marriage will not fail." It was a powerful teaching and one that we have always tried to keep at the forefront of our marriage.

In the book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, the author talks about the importance of putting off the natural man, or rather giving up those tendencies that we are prone to and that we learn throughout our lives which are not helpful or healthy for a marriage relationship--or any relationship really. To have happy and successful marriages, we must follow the example of Jesus Christ and become more humble and kind toward one another and we need to apply the principles of His Atonement into our relationship. Dr. Goddard says: "When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us one." This is what my husband tried but failed to articulate that day in class, but was heart of the answer our institute instructor was trying to get at. When we put our Heavenly Father and our Savior first, everything else will fall into place and even when we may have disagreements or conflict from time to time, we will be far better able to keep an eternal perspective and respond to each other with love and caring, even when we face challenges in our relationship.

My husband and I are best friends and we have been since the very beginning of our relationship. Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and researcher, and founder of the Gottman Institute, says that the basis of happy marriages is deep friendship. He states: "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. they have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out."

My husband and I have had our ups and downs as most marriages do. We have had our share of conflict, including one patch where we really struggled and I remember actually wondering if we would be able to weather that particular storm. But through it all, we have been friends and I think that has made a huge difference. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and we care about one another deeply, in spite of petty annoyances, periods of intense adversity that have put strain on our relationship, and bouts of conflict and disagreements.

Dr. Gottman says that the trick is to keep the positive interactions and feelings at a "magic ratio"of 5:1, meaning that for every negative interaction, there are at least five positive interactions. Conflict will come to every marriage and it can become very negative if we allow ourselves to become defensive, critical or contemptuous or when we shut out our partner by stonewalling (these things are what Gottman terms "The Four Horsemen"), but when we can handle that conflict well by remaining positive, showing that we still care for our partner even as we disagree, being empathetic and apologetic, seeing things from their perspective, and even lightening the mood with humor, we can manage our disagreements and still maintain our deep friendship and love for one another.

References

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/