Marriage: A Covenant or a Contract

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my husband and I made a choice to be married in a temple rather than any other setting. We chose this place because we firmly believe that a temple marriage is a marriage that will last beyond death, throughout eternity. A marriage that is expected to last forever is not a marriage that should be taken lightly. It is a marriage which is more than just a piece of paper or a contract between two individuals. It is, rather, a covenant between a husband, a wife, and the Lord.

As we entered into our marriage covenant almost twenty five years ago, we could not know how hard we would have to work for our happily ever after. We couldn't foresee the challenges that would come into our lives and our marriage and how we would be tested. But keeping an eternal perspective has made all the difference.

There is a wonderful talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen entitled "Covenant Marriage". In it, he states: "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. . . .But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through."

One thing that really stands out in that quote is that just because we have a covenant marriage, it doesn't mean that we are free from troubles. In both types of marriage, troubles will come. It's our response to those troubles that is the difference in each type. Elder Hafen says that couples in a contract marriage each give 50 percent while couples in a covenant marriage will each give 100 percent.

He also mentions three types of "wolves" that come to every marriage:

1. Natural Adversity: We all have hard challenges that we have to face from time to time. Things like illness, death, finances, job losses, etc. can test even the strongest marriages. In my marriage, we have faced some big ones: chronic depression in my husband, a difficult cranial surgery and recovery for me, a son with serious congenital heart defects, another son with anaphylactic food allergies and asthma, and financial strain caused by the medical expenses of all of these. Any one of these trials could have ended a contract marriage, but since we try to keep an eternal perspective, we have weathered them all and learned a whole lot in the process that has helped us come out even stronger as individuals and as a couple.

2. Own Imperfections: Our words can wound or uplift. Our relationships can be damaged when a spouse constantly complains or criticizes everything we do. We need to recognize that neither of us is perfect. My husband is very sweet and has never intentionally said something so critical of me or complained so often that it would erode our relationship and affect my self worth. Likewise, I try to be caring in my remarks to him. However, sometimes if we take things the wrong way and interpret criticism where none was intended, we can allow cracks to form in our marriage. Communication is so important and if our feelings have been hurt, we should talk about that and try to figure out what was actually meant rather than letting our hurt fester and creating further negativity in our responses to our spouse. We should also look for every opportunity to compliment our spouse and build him or her up rather than tear them down.

3. Excessive Individualism: This is a pretty huge wolf in today's world. It's all about "me", "mine", "I". Elder Hafen says: "The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it." The "need" to have separate lives can really drive couples apart. I don't think that means we have to spend every minute together. I do feel that it's important to keep our individual identities and still maintain our hobbies and friendships. And any busy mom will tell you that having "alone time" can be a precious gift. But when we start spending too much time by ourselves and sacrificing time with our spouse and family for selfish individual pursuits, that can create trouble. My husband and I do enjoy some different things but we also have hobbies we enjoy together and no matter how busy the day is, even if we haven't had more than a few minutes together, we always try to at least check in with each other at the end of the day and to share with each other what we did and how the day went. It helps us feel connected in this increasingly disconnected world.

Now, does weathering all these things mean that we never struggle or that our marriage has never undergone some serious stress? Definitely not. It's hard to keep that eternal perspective 100 percent of the time. But we work at it and we don't quit even when it seems like that would be the easiest thing. We try to remember that just because we entered into a covenant relationship, it's really easy to have it become a contract one if we don't work for it. We have seen too many of our family members and friends who had covenant temple marriages that became contract marriages and they are no longer together. It's a good reminder for us to keep an eternal perspective and to keep the Lord at the head of our marriage because as we put Him first, turn to him, and follow His example, that brings us closer together as a couple and makes us so much happier even when the hard times come.

Hafen, Bruce C. ("Covenant Marriage", Ensign, November 1996.)

Defending Marriage

Words have power.

This week I read the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage (Obergefell V. Hodges, 2015). In studying the words of the majority opinion, I could almost understand why people have such strong feelings in favor of same sex-marriage. The majority used the personal examples of three of the petitioners to tug at our heart strings: a dying partner, mother's of special needs children, and a U.S.military sergeant. They recognize the history of marriage between a man and a woman but argue that "rights come not from ancient sources alone. They rise, too, from a better informed understanding of how constitutional imperatives define a liberty in our own era." They declare that the right of same-sex couples to marry is a liberty promised in the 14th amendment and they used past cases like Loving V. Virginia (right to interracial marriage) to persuasively argue that the same rights should apply to all couples. They used words like "disrespect" and "subordinate" to describe the harm caused to same-sex couples who have had to deal with such a long history of disapproval. They went to great lengths to point out that not only does a same-sex couple have any bearing on anyone else and couldn't possibly harm the institution of traditional marriage, but they even claimed that it would strengthen the institution because those couples are creating families, and since children do better in families where the parents are married, it would be a positive outcome for the institution of marriage and family life. As someone who knows and loves some same-sex individuals, I found these arguments very persuasive and can completely understand where many supporters are coming from when they feel that this is a great step forward for our nation.

The dissenting judges also used  powerful words.

Their main focus was on the unconstitutionality of the ruling--that in making this ruling, five judges were effectively stealing the right for the states to decide from the people. Justice Roberts states: "When decisions are reached through democratic means, some people will be disappointed with the results. But those whose views do not prevail at least know that they have had their say, and accordingly are--in the tradition of our political culture--reconciled to the result of a fair and honest debate. . . .Indeed, however heartened the proponents of same-sex marriage might be on this day, it is worth acknowledging that they have lost, and lost forever; the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause"(Roberts, 2015). This really resonates with me. During our last state election, there were several issues on the ballot, including the legalization of recreational marijuana. There were a lot of pretty intense debates and argument from people on both sides of the issue. As someone who vehemently voted "NO", I was very disappointed that the measure passed by a narrow margin. However, I recognize that it was the people in my state who had that choice and the majority used their right to vote to make that change. In the Supreme Court case, we were stripped of that right even though as Justice Thomas pointed out in his dissent, that of the 35 states to put same sex marriage on their ballots, 32 voted to keep the traditional definition of marriage.

The dissenting judges expressed their apprehension about how this ruling would affect religious liberty. That was one of the things that caused me grave concern as well. In the majority ruling of the Supreme Court, they pointed out that those who oppose same-sex marriage would still have that right and that under the protection of the 1st Amendment, religions could still "teach" and "advocate" the religious principles that are central to their faith and that they can continue to live their lives as they always have.  Justice Roberts points out that the 1st Amendment allows citizens to "exercise" their religious beliefs but that word was "ominously absent" in the majority statement. Justice Alito says: "We will soon see whether this [religious rights being unaffected] proves to be true. I assume that those who cling to old beliefs will be able to whisper their thoughts in the recesses of their homes, but if they repeat those vows in public, they will risk being labeled as bigots and treated as such by governments, employers and schools."

Unfortunately, my husband is experiencing this firsthand at the small college that employs him. Theoretically, his job is protected by tenure. However, if his behavior as a professor demonstrates what is deemed intolerance or harassment, he could face losing his job. Because there are a very high number of ultra-liberal employees on campus, if he were to so much as insinuate a belief in marriage between a man and a woman, he could be labeled a bigot, face serious backlash and condemnation, and his employment could be on the line. The very small number of employees with more conservative and religious views at the school are not being allowed to "exercise" their right to their beliefs. It seems it's only fine to believe as they do if they keep their mouths shut. (To be clear, we actually really love where we live and my husband loves his job. And chances are if he shares his beliefs from time to time on campus, he probably won't be fired. It has just been tricky to navigate things in the wake of the Supreme Court ruling and he often feels that he has to walk on eggshells to not say or do something that would provoke controversy. And that makes him feel like he can't say anything.)

Our Church leaders also have power in their words.

President Russell M. Nelson, the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, proclaimed in a 2014 BYU commencement address, "God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It wasn't created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God." He taught that we must step up boldly but compassionately as full disciples of Christ in defending marriage as God defined it, as between one man and one woman.

I remember as a newlywed in 1995 when the family proclamation was first read by President Gordon B. Hinckley in a women's session of conference. I loved it. I ascribed to the statements it contained. But I had no idea then how prophetic it would prove and how much more relevant it would be 20 years later when the Supreme Court made its ruling mandating same-sex marriage as a right and a law in all 50 states.

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, past Young Women General President also issued a call for us to be defenders of marriage and family. She said "we need to boldly defend the Lord’s revealed doctrines describing marriage, families, the divine roles of men and women, and the importance of homes as sacred places—even when the world is shouting in our ears that these principles are outdated, limiting, or no longer relevant."

We face an uphill battle. It will not be easy to remain steadfast in the face of such immense opposition to our religious beliefs, but we have to be firm and we have to keep trying. It won't be easy to speak up over the volume of the world, but we have to make our voices heard. Our government, the media, and same-sex marriage supporters' words have power.

But so do ours.

References

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement. 

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the  United States.https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf 

Oscarson Bonnie, L. ("Defenders of the Family Proclamation", Ensign, May 2015).  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/defenders-of-the-family-proclamation?lang=eng

Divorce

Why on earth would I write a post about divorce on a marriage blog?

Because it is a topic that cannot be ignored if we want to create happy, healthy marriages. Most of us are aware that the divorce rate stands around 40-50%. And most of us who are married or getting married, go into it with the idea that we will not be one of those statistics; that somehow our marriage will be different. But I would be willing to bet that the majority of those 40-50 percenters out there also went into their marriages with the notion that they would have lasting marriages. So divorce, as unpleasant as it may be to think about, does need to be recognized so that we can do our best to safeguard our marriages.

I was ten days shy of my 20th birthday when I married my husband. When my parents announced that they were getting divorced, I had been married for three whole months. Even though I was an adult and people repeatedly told me "at least you're older so it doesn't affect you", I was shattered. I knew they had been having issues. A year before I got married I had gone home for the summer and looking back, I still view that time as one of the most miserable summers of my entire life. My parents were fighting constantly and they were consumed by anger. My siblings and I looked for any opportunities we could find to escape that house and all of the contention. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I got the phone call telling me that they were splitting up. But I guess I just hoped that they would weather that particular storm and work things out.

Still in those early days of my new marriage, the news from my parents crushed my positive outlook for my own happy, eternal marriage. I wondered if my parent's, who had a romance and temple marriage right out of a fairy tale couldn't make it work, if it was inevitable that I would wind up in the same boat after 23 years of my own marriage. In one of my tearful conversations with my husband, he said something that sort of became our mantra: "We are not your parents. We decide what our marriage will be."

And we have. It has not been easy. There have been challenges along the way that could have broken other marriages--chronic depression in my husband, cranial surgery and a long recovery for me, two kids with sensory processing disorder, one kid with anaphylactic food allergies, another with a serious congenital heart defect, and financial strain caused by all of the above. Many of these trials could and have broken up marriages. President James E. Faust talked about "just cause" for ending a marriage and he said it does not include things like "'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor having 'grown apart,' or having 'fallen out of love'” (Father, Come Home,"Ensign, May 1993, 35). I'm pretty sure that most of those things have popped up at one time or another in my own marriage to some degree as they do in many marriages. But my husband and I made a commitment and a covenant to each other and we have put each other first, even when sometimes we may not have wanted to. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer--making it past the 23 years my parents were married before they were divorced.

Speaking of my parents. They each remarried 9 years ago--to each other. I was so thrilled to see them recognize that they still love each other and are better together than apart. I love that they are active in church again and active in the lives of their children and grandchildren. In a talk by Dallin H. Oaks, he quoted a study that  showed “no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later” ("Divorce", Ensign, May 2007). I can't help but wonder how different things might be now if my parents had worked through their issues instead of breaking up. My older siblings and I escaped some of the statistics that children of divorced parents are at higher risk for, but my younger siblings weren't so fortunate. Two of them experimented with drugs and alcohol; the same two cohabited before marriage, one had a baby out of wedlock, another is on her third marriage; five siblings have never been married and don't feel any inclination toward it, several siblings had issues in school with grades and one sibling dropped out of school altogether. Would they have made these same choices or had the same experiences if my parents had remained married? I don't know. But knowing that children in stable two parent families are more likely to thrive (State of Our Unions 2012, The National Marriage Project, p. xii), I can't help but think things may have been different for my siblings had my parents gotten help for their marriage and stayed together.

My husband and I have tried to instill in our children the importance of choosing wisely when it comes to marriage and then being willing to stick with their choice. I hope that someday when they are navigating their own successful marriages, they will look at the marriage of their parents as their inspiration for how to make a marriage work.