Marriage: The Stuff of Dreams

Dr. John M. Gottman says that "...happy couples are aware of each other's dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage." Additionally, he says that when couples can't find a way to work through their perpetual disagreements that the result is often gridlock--a point where you just can't see any way to get past an issue that's between you. Dr. Gottman says that gridlock "is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (Gottman, 2015).

Several years ago I was an avid blog reader. I had quite a few mommy blogs that I followed and I kept toying with the idea of starting a blog of my own as a way to try to bring in a side income. We had hit a tough financial patch but because we still had a couple of children who weren't yet school age, I was a bit limited in my ability to contribute to our family finances. So I did a lot of research about what starting a for-profit blog would entail and I made lists and plans and actually became rather excited about the whole thing.

I approached my husband with my idea and all my notes and plans, thinking he would encourage me to fly with it. But instead I was met with skepticism. I showed him examples of other successful blogs and I was honest in saying that I likely wouldn't make any income off of my own for a while but that I felt if I stuck with it, it might be a way to help with our budget. He said, "What would you even write about? What would make someone even want to read your blog?" I know he didn't mean it to come off as harshly as it did, but I was actually really hurt by what felt like was his rejection of my ideas and writing ability. In the end he told me to go ahead and try it if I really wanted to, but by then he had taken the wind out of my sails and I gave up on pursuing the idea. I had wanted his full support and I knew I didn't have it even though he had told me to go ahead and try my idea. We recently talked about that time and my husband feels terrible at the way the whole discussion went down and especially in the role he played in my giving up that little dream of mine. He told me that I should never, ever give up on something that I want to do because of his bad attitude and lack of understanding  and that he will love me and support me no matter what.

So when I decided a couple of years ago that I wanted to finish up another dream I had of finishing up my college degree, he was all in. He has been my number one supporter throughout my
educational journey and it has made all the difference in my having the courage to take such a big step and to keep going--even when I question my sanity in making the choice at such a busy time in my life and the lives of my children.

Likewise, I have tried to support my husband in his dreams. Just the other night we were sitting in the audience watching my youngest daughter sing her heart out as an orphan in the musical Annie and during intermission my husband confided in me that when he took our daughter to the auditions, the director had encouraged him to audition as well since the play was for people of all ages. He said he was so tempted and really wanted to but thought maybe it would be silly to start acting again, even though it was his absolute favorite part of high school. I told him that I thought it would have been great if he had auditioned and that he should absolutely investigate the next community theatre production because it would be a great opportunity for him to reclaim an old hobby and I'd love to see him perform. His eyes lit up and I could tell he was excited about the idea--an idea that I know he would never pursue if he didn't think I was supportive.

My expressive daughter on the far right having a confrontation with Miss Hannigan on the set of Annie.

Even if I didn't think my husband would succeed or be any good at acting (which I don't--he'd actually be amazing), it is important for me to be supportive and honor his dream anyway. According to Dr. Gottman, I can do this in three different ways:

1. I can express my understanding of the dream and show interest in learning more about it.
2. I can actively enable the dream by helping him find opportunities for theatre productions in which      he could participate.
3. I could become a part of the dream-- maybe by auditioning with him and acting in a production          together! (I'm not quite there yet!)

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says that "Charity can be the lens through which we see each other." I love this idea. No matter whether I think my husband's dream is amazing and has the potential for sure success or if I think it's unrealistic and doomed to fail, I need to love him and support him and cheer him on.

Dr. Wendy Watson taught: "An interesting fact about commending you spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."

And Dr. Goddard says that it's impossible to "survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has." As we view our spouses through a lens of charity and unconditional love, we will strengthen our marriages, achieve our dreams, and avoid the negative impact of gridlock.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.