President Henry B. Eyring, who serves in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says: "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity. ...The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end."
Over the past weeks that I have been writing this blog, I have established the importance of developing a strong married relationship, of being kind and being communicators, of having a covenant marriage rather than a contract relationship, and of giving one another the benefit of the doubt as we try to see our spouse as the Lord sees us.
This is especially necessary when children enter the picture. Kids can change the whole dynamic of a relationship and while they are some of the biggest blessings couples can experience, they can also pose some of the biggest challenges in a relationship. Dr. Richard B. Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, reminds us that husbands and wives must establish their hierarchy over their children. That doesn't mean that we are allowed to be "domineering, or dictatorial" but that we need to establish ourselves as united leaders in the family. He says husbands and wives must work together and support each other in the presence of their children, even if they disagree with each other. And if they disagree, they should hold a "private executive session" to talk about about their feelings.
Another leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder M. Russell Ballard, has written and talked about the importance of councils--from the highest leadership positions of the church all the way to the family. Some characteristics that he recommends councils have are an agenda which keeps the meeting focused and lets council members prepare their thoughts beforehand, expressions of love and concern at the beginning of the meeting, which reminds members that we all want to be united, a prayer together to invite the Lord's spirit, and then a thorough discussion of agenda items that each council member can share their feelings and insights about as the group comes to a unanimous agreement of each item.
I have had experiences with my own family where calling first an executive council and then meeting together as a whole family has helped invite peace over a contentious argument. Here is an example of how a situation like this may go:
I'm upstairs when I hear the voices of my husband and one of my children. I can tell it is escalating so I go downstairs to see what is happening. My husband is very upset with this particular child because he has a certain job to do and hasn't done it. Not only that. but this child is now saying that he won't be able get it done that day. My husband is lecturing loudly about priorities and laziness and I can see our son becoming hurt and defensive. My husband turns to me and says, "Can I get a little support here?", meaning he wants me to side with him in his verbal reprimand of our son. The problem is, I feel my husband is being too harsh and that if he would listen to our son, he could understand why the job hasn't been done and why it needs to be put off a little longer. But I also know it's not a good idea to disagree with him in front of our children, so I say, "Yes, I'll support you, but I'd like to talk to you first so you can fill me in on what is happening." My husband agrees to take a break and he and I hold an impromptu family council. He explains to me what has happened and shares why he is frustrated. I'm able to show him love and support by recognizing his feelings and frustration but then explaining why I think he was being a little too harsh over this incident; that it is not the end of the world if this particular job doesn't get done right away, and that I feel that having a family council to talk about the issue and generate ideas from the children for how they can be more responsible in their assigned tasks. might go a long way in helping the situation.
So the next step is to have a family council. We can handle this in one of two ways: by having a meeting with this particular child or having a meeting with all of the children. Because all of the children have been struggling to complete their assigned chores in a timely manner, we decide to include everyone--which also helps our son to not feel that we are ganging up on him or singling him out. In the family council we can express our concerns about the chores not getting done and let the children discuss the issues they're having that seem to be preventing the work getting done. Together we brainstorm ideas for how we can rearrange some activities or schedules to get the work done; we may even re-assign the jobs between the children so that they can fit in different jobs into their schedules better. Once we all agree on the new plan, we put it into practice with the idea to have another follow up council to discuss how things are working or if we need to tweak things again. This helps the kids feel like they are a part of the solution, it means less nagging from me or my husband, and it keeps us united both as a couple and family as we keep arguments and contention out of our home.
As we invite the Lord's Spirit to be more present in our home, we will be happier and more peaceful and we will learn to love each other the way our Savior loves each of us. President Eyring stated: "A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. ...It is our surrender to the authority of Jesus Christ which will allow us to be bound as families, as a Church, and as the children of our Heavenly Father."
Ballard, M.R. (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. "Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church".
Eyring H.B., "That We May Be One", Ensign, May 1998, 66.
Miller, R.B., "Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families", BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Friday, March 22, 2019
Guard and Protect Your Marriage
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: "Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion" (Goddard, 89)
I would be willing to venture a guess that most people going into their marriage have zero plans to be unfaithful to their spouse. Satan knows this and so it is through his careful, crafty ways that he gradually leads someone away from his or her spouse so that they may be in too deep before they even realize what they have allowed to happen.
My husband is a college professor and is put in situations with students and colleagues regularly where he may find himself alone with members of the opposite sex. He tries to remedy these scenarios by always keeping his office door open when he is consulting with a student or another professor and when he has to go to lunch or dinner with another female, he tries to see if someone else can go with him. I remember a few years ago he was serving as the department chair and had the responsibility for hiring a new Spanish professor. Part of the process is that he was expected to take the candidates out for dinner. I was not allowed to come along on these business meals due to privacy laws since this was still considered part of the interview experience. My husband was able to get another female colleague to join in the dinner that evening. It happened to fall on Valentine's Day, which was unfortunate because I would have liked to be the one celebrating the holiday at a fancy restaurant with my husband! I remember when my husband came home, our teenage son said, "Hey Dad, how was your Valentine's dinner with two women who aren't your wife?"
We could laugh about that but only because the idea of my husband having emotional and romantic feelings for any woman other than me was absolutely absurd. Over the years we have worked to prevent such a thing from ever happening . We are "alert to the predictable temptations that Satan uses to break up marriages. We...monitor our behavior and our feelings closely. Being alert to the danger signs we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously" (Goddard, 93-94).
Last week I found out that my childhood home had burned to the ground. It was a log home that my dad built, set on top of a hill that overlooked a beautiful valley in the country. I had many happy memories growing up there. My parent's sold the house when my dad was transferred to another state. Currently no one was living in the home. A corporation had purchased it and used it for occasional company retreats. Because it was vacant and because it was rather isolated with the nearest neighbors living 1/2 mile away, no one was aware of the first sign of fire or smoke. It had been burning for quite some time before the flames were high enough to be noticeable. The fire department was called, but because the road leading up the hill had not been plowed after recent heavy snowfall, the fire crews had a very difficult time reaching the fire and more precious time was lost. By the time they arrived on the scene, the home was completely engulfed and collapsing in on itself. They finally got the fire put out but all that was left was the basement foundation.
If someone had been living in the home or making periodic checks of the place and keeping it maintained, they may have seen warning signs that there was a problem or the fire could have been extinguished when it was just beginning. But because no one was taking care of the place, it was too late to save it when the fire got out of control.
The same is true of our marriages. We have to nurture our relationships and guard against signs of danger. We need to take precautions to safeguard our marriages and keep our emotions focused on one another instead of just coming home for a periodic "retreat". We have to spend time together doing things we enjoy. We need to have regular, open talks about our marital intimacy if we are to keep that aspect of our relationships growing. We must be very careful in our relationships with others of the opposite sex and ensure that we never allow our heart to dwell on anyone else. Dr. Goddard says "Avoiding is better than resisting." And we have to remember our sacred marriage covenants and the beautiful promises we're blessed with for being faithful to those covenants.
Dr. Goddard reminds us that "Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."
In contrast he tells us: Satan "offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. . . . As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant--but empty."
https://www.facebook.com/DuchesneFire/posts/884616498547546?
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
I would be willing to venture a guess that most people going into their marriage have zero plans to be unfaithful to their spouse. Satan knows this and so it is through his careful, crafty ways that he gradually leads someone away from his or her spouse so that they may be in too deep before they even realize what they have allowed to happen.
My husband is a college professor and is put in situations with students and colleagues regularly where he may find himself alone with members of the opposite sex. He tries to remedy these scenarios by always keeping his office door open when he is consulting with a student or another professor and when he has to go to lunch or dinner with another female, he tries to see if someone else can go with him. I remember a few years ago he was serving as the department chair and had the responsibility for hiring a new Spanish professor. Part of the process is that he was expected to take the candidates out for dinner. I was not allowed to come along on these business meals due to privacy laws since this was still considered part of the interview experience. My husband was able to get another female colleague to join in the dinner that evening. It happened to fall on Valentine's Day, which was unfortunate because I would have liked to be the one celebrating the holiday at a fancy restaurant with my husband! I remember when my husband came home, our teenage son said, "Hey Dad, how was your Valentine's dinner with two women who aren't your wife?"
We could laugh about that but only because the idea of my husband having emotional and romantic feelings for any woman other than me was absolutely absurd. Over the years we have worked to prevent such a thing from ever happening . We are "alert to the predictable temptations that Satan uses to break up marriages. We...monitor our behavior and our feelings closely. Being alert to the danger signs we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously" (Goddard, 93-94).
Last week I found out that my childhood home had burned to the ground. It was a log home that my dad built, set on top of a hill that overlooked a beautiful valley in the country. I had many happy memories growing up there. My parent's sold the house when my dad was transferred to another state. Currently no one was living in the home. A corporation had purchased it and used it for occasional company retreats. Because it was vacant and because it was rather isolated with the nearest neighbors living 1/2 mile away, no one was aware of the first sign of fire or smoke. It had been burning for quite some time before the flames were high enough to be noticeable. The fire department was called, but because the road leading up the hill had not been plowed after recent heavy snowfall, the fire crews had a very difficult time reaching the fire and more precious time was lost. By the time they arrived on the scene, the home was completely engulfed and collapsing in on itself. They finally got the fire put out but all that was left was the basement foundation.
 |
| Photo Credit: Duchesne County Volunteer Fire Department |
The same is true of our marriages. We have to nurture our relationships and guard against signs of danger. We need to take precautions to safeguard our marriages and keep our emotions focused on one another instead of just coming home for a periodic "retreat". We have to spend time together doing things we enjoy. We need to have regular, open talks about our marital intimacy if we are to keep that aspect of our relationships growing. We must be very careful in our relationships with others of the opposite sex and ensure that we never allow our heart to dwell on anyone else. Dr. Goddard says "Avoiding is better than resisting." And we have to remember our sacred marriage covenants and the beautiful promises we're blessed with for being faithful to those covenants.
Dr. Goddard reminds us that "Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come."
In contrast he tells us: Satan "offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. . . . As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant--but empty."
https://www.facebook.com/DuchesneFire/posts/884616498547546?
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Marriage: The Stuff of Dreams
Dr. John M. Gottman says that "...happy couples are aware of each other's dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage." Additionally, he says that when couples can't find a way to work through their perpetual disagreements that the result is often gridlock--a point where you just can't see any way to get past an issue that's between you. Dr. Gottman says that gridlock "is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect" (Gottman, 2015).
I approached my husband with my idea and all my notes and plans, thinking he would encourage me to fly with it. But instead I was met with skepticism. I showed him examples of other successful blogs and I was honest in saying that I likely wouldn't make any income off of my own for a while but that I felt if I stuck with it, it might be a way to help with our budget. He said, "What would you even write about? What would make someone even want to read your blog?" I know he didn't mean it to come off as harshly as it did, but I was actually really hurt by what felt like was his rejection of my ideas and writing ability. In the end he told me to go ahead and try it if I really wanted to, but by then he had taken the wind out of my sails and I gave up on pursuing the idea. I had wanted his full support and I knew I didn't have it even though he had told me to go ahead and try my idea. We recently talked about that time and my husband feels terrible at the way the whole discussion went down and especially in the role he played in my giving up that little dream of mine. He told me that I should never, ever give up on something that I want to do because of his bad attitude and lack of understanding and that he will love me and support me no matter what.
So when I decided a couple of years ago that I wanted to finish up another dream I had of finishing up my college degree, he was all in. He has been my number one supporter throughout my
educational journey and it has made all the difference in my having the courage to take such a big step and to keep going--even when I question my sanity in making the choice at such a busy time in my life and the lives of my children.
Likewise, I have tried to support my husband in his dreams. Just the other night we were sitting in the audience watching my youngest daughter sing her heart out as an orphan in the musical Annie and during intermission my husband confided in me that when he took our daughter to the auditions, the director had encouraged him to audition as well since the play was for people of all ages. He said he was so tempted and really wanted to but thought maybe it would be silly to start acting again, even though it was his absolute favorite part of high school. I told him that I thought it would have been great if he had auditioned and that he should absolutely investigate the next community theatre production because it would be a great opportunity for him to reclaim an old hobby and I'd love to see him perform. His eyes lit up and I could tell he was excited about the idea--an idea that I know he would never pursue if he didn't think I was supportive.
Even if I didn't think my husband would succeed or be any good at acting (which I don't--he'd actually be amazing), it is important for me to be supportive and honor his dream anyway. According to Dr. Gottman, I can do this in three different ways:
1. I can express my understanding of the dream and show interest in learning more about it.
2. I can actively enable the dream by helping him find opportunities for theatre productions in which he could participate.
3. I could become a part of the dream-- maybe by auditioning with him and acting in a production together! (I'm not quite there yet!)
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says that "Charity can be the lens through which we see each other." I love this idea. No matter whether I think my husband's dream is amazing and has the potential for sure success or if I think it's unrealistic and doomed to fail, I need to love him and support him and cheer him on.
Dr. Wendy Watson taught: "An interesting fact about commending you spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."
And Dr. Goddard says that it's impossible to "survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has." As we view our spouses through a lens of charity and unconditional love, we will strengthen our marriages, achieve our dreams, and avoid the negative impact of gridlock.
Several years ago I was an avid blog reader. I had quite a few mommy blogs that I followed and I kept toying with the idea of starting a blog of my own as a way to try to bring in a side income. We had hit a tough financial patch but because we still had a couple of children who weren't yet school age, I was a bit limited in my ability to contribute to our family finances. So I did a lot of research about what starting a for-profit blog would entail and I made lists and plans and actually became rather excited about the whole thing.
I approached my husband with my idea and all my notes and plans, thinking he would encourage me to fly with it. But instead I was met with skepticism. I showed him examples of other successful blogs and I was honest in saying that I likely wouldn't make any income off of my own for a while but that I felt if I stuck with it, it might be a way to help with our budget. He said, "What would you even write about? What would make someone even want to read your blog?" I know he didn't mean it to come off as harshly as it did, but I was actually really hurt by what felt like was his rejection of my ideas and writing ability. In the end he told me to go ahead and try it if I really wanted to, but by then he had taken the wind out of my sails and I gave up on pursuing the idea. I had wanted his full support and I knew I didn't have it even though he had told me to go ahead and try my idea. We recently talked about that time and my husband feels terrible at the way the whole discussion went down and especially in the role he played in my giving up that little dream of mine. He told me that I should never, ever give up on something that I want to do because of his bad attitude and lack of understanding and that he will love me and support me no matter what.
So when I decided a couple of years ago that I wanted to finish up another dream I had of finishing up my college degree, he was all in. He has been my number one supporter throughout my
educational journey and it has made all the difference in my having the courage to take such a big step and to keep going--even when I question my sanity in making the choice at such a busy time in my life and the lives of my children.
Likewise, I have tried to support my husband in his dreams. Just the other night we were sitting in the audience watching my youngest daughter sing her heart out as an orphan in the musical Annie and during intermission my husband confided in me that when he took our daughter to the auditions, the director had encouraged him to audition as well since the play was for people of all ages. He said he was so tempted and really wanted to but thought maybe it would be silly to start acting again, even though it was his absolute favorite part of high school. I told him that I thought it would have been great if he had auditioned and that he should absolutely investigate the next community theatre production because it would be a great opportunity for him to reclaim an old hobby and I'd love to see him perform. His eyes lit up and I could tell he was excited about the idea--an idea that I know he would never pursue if he didn't think I was supportive.
 |
| My expressive daughter on the far right having a confrontation with Miss Hannigan on the set of Annie. |
1. I can express my understanding of the dream and show interest in learning more about it.
2. I can actively enable the dream by helping him find opportunities for theatre productions in which he could participate.
3. I could become a part of the dream-- maybe by auditioning with him and acting in a production together! (I'm not quite there yet!)
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says that "Charity can be the lens through which we see each other." I love this idea. No matter whether I think my husband's dream is amazing and has the potential for sure success or if I think it's unrealistic and doomed to fail, I need to love him and support him and cheer him on.
Dr. Wendy Watson taught: "An interesting fact about commending you spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend."
And Dr. Goddard says that it's impossible to "survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has." As we view our spouses through a lens of charity and unconditional love, we will strengthen our marriages, achieve our dreams, and avoid the negative impact of gridlock.
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
Friday, March 8, 2019
Conflict, Curling Irons, and Consecration
In his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Dr. John Gottman says that marriage comes with two kinds of conflicts--either they can be solved or they can't. It may seem a bit shocking to learn that about 69% of marital issues fall into the category of unsolvable problems. How is it possible that there can be so many happy marriages if everyone is going around with unresolved marital issues? Dr. Gottman says, "Happy couples learn to keep problems in their place and approach them with humor." They don't ignore those problems either. They acknowledge them and talk about them but they try to do so in a good-natured way. Basically couples just learn to cope with the things that they know aren't going to be changing any time soon and they put their partner over the problem.
Still, in any marriage we can expect conflict to arise from time to time, whether over an unsolvable problem or an issue that is able to be solved but may take some work to get there. Dr. Gottman says that "...the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality." He says it's a bit like just making sure we practice good manners around our spouse. We may find it a helpful reminder if we consider how we would talk to an acquaintance.
I remember years ago when I hung up the phone after talking to someone from church and my oldest son who was probably about 9 at the time said, "I can always tell when you answer the phone if it's Dad or if it's someone else because you always sound so happy to talk to other people but when Dad calls you just sound tired." Talk about a wake-up call! Why do we often treat our families who we love the most in the worst ways? Shouldn't I be greeting my husband, who I love most in the world, with the same or better enthusiasm than I do the receptionist calling from the doctor's office?
Dr. Gottman suggests that when dealing with conflict there are four steps to keep in mind that will help us manage our problems more effectively:
1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
I have noticed that one of the biggest issues my husband and I face is in dealing with step number one. It's very difficult to get to the other steps when we get hung up on a harsh start-up. For example, I had a habit that just irked my husband for years. I'm sure he felt that it was one of those unsolvable problems in our relationship. I could never seem to remember to turn off my curling iron when I finished using it in the mornings. I realize this was a hazard both for potential fire and injuries. And, while I never burned the house down, my husband did receive several burns from my carelessness. Whenever he discovered that I'd left the curling iron on again he would say, (with a bite of anger in his voice), "Are you finished with the curling iron?" The words weren't necessarily the harsh start-up but his tone of voice would definitely set me on edge and I often responded back with sarcasm or anger of my own.
Then one morning things went wrong from the very start and for the first time in a few months, I left the curling iron on all day again. That evening my husband again asked, "Are you finished with the curling iron?" in that same tone of voice and I immediately felt so much anger as I responded that this was the first time in months that I had forgotten and couldn't he give me a little credit for having done so well? His response was, a sarcastic "sure it's the first time in months." He actually hadn't even noticed that I had made the change! In his mind, he just wasn't catching me at my bad habit so he thought I was still "always" leaving the curling iron on. I was resentful and angry; my temper set him off further and we wound up having a big fight over such a ridiculous issue.
Had he used a softer start-up or had I responded less harshly or better yet, let him in earlier on my successful attempts at changing my bad habit, we could have avoided this conflict completely and just recognized my slip-up as a consequence of the crazy morning. Thankfully we did eventually make our way toward a successful resolution and we can report that this issue which seemed perpetual was actually solvable.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a general authority in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught that Satan's strategy in his design to destroy our family relationships, is to stir up anger between family members. He states: "The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feeling chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers." This sounds exactly like what had happened with the curling iron issue! When we allow anger to enter into our hearts toward our spouse, we wind up letting bitterness and resentment fester only to return at another time as the conflicts continue.
One big thing that helps our marriages is to practice consecration--that is giving our whole selves to our spouses. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", says that those who have consecrated their lives to God, "...and have experimented with His ways...know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become." And he goes on to assert that the same is true for us as we consecrate ourselves to our marriages. As we become willing to let go of our petty grievances and preferences and annoyances, we will come to recognize the amazing qualities and gifts of our partner in spite of the limitations we each have as human beings. When we can give our lives to God and to our husbands or wives, "Life gets inexpressibly good" (Goddard, 99).
Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.
Robbins, L.G. "Agency and Anger", Ensign, May 1998, p.80.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Pride
I came home exhausted one evening after finishing up the Wednesday night youth activity that I was in charge of at the church. I had left my husband behind with our two little boys and I fully anticipated the carnage that awaited me and would likely keep me on my feet for an extended period of time as I had to clean up the destruction that two little boys roughhousing with their dad would do to our small apartment.
To my surprise, I opened the door to the excited face of my husband and a living room floor that was completely clear of clutter and debris. "The boys and I wanted you to come home to a clean house," my husband explained. I thanked him, grateful that I would be able to sit down and relax after all, but my gratitude was short-lived as I looked around the living room and saw toys and books and shoes and jackets crammed onto the book shelves and into the nooks and crannies of the entertainment center.
Instead of actually putting things where they belonged, they had literally just shoved everything that was on the floor into any available space they could find--crowding out the things that actually belonged on the shelf. To my husband, a clean floor equates with a clean house, where for me, it's not clean until everything is in it's place. I was so annoyed and exasperated as I looked around and realized that not only would I now have to put everything away, but I would have to do even more work because in the process of "cleaning up", they had made a mess of all the bookshelves.
"You call this clean?" I exploded. "Nothing is where it should be!" My husband was completely baffled and I still have a pang of guilt when I imagine his face as I became angry at his efforts and the efforts of my two sweet boys who were just trying to make me happy.
Who was in the wrong here? My husband who had known me long enough by then to know what I termed "clean" but insisted that the house was clean if he couldn't see anything on the floor? Or me, who felt I knew best; me, who felt my needs were of utmost importance and anyone who didn't meet those needs was wrong?
The answer is definitely me. I had allowed pride to come into our evening and our relationship that night (and many days and nights before and since) and ruined a sweet gesture from my well-meaning husband and eager-to-please children.
H. Wallace Goddard in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" says, "When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride."
As humans, it seems that our natural response is to see our experiences and opinions as the "truth" or "fact" and to feel that no one else can see things as clearly as we do. Thus, we take it upon ourselves to educate others to the "right way" or the "only way", to insist that our needs must be met above all else because everyone will be better off that way. Or we feel that we understand others better than they even understand their own selves because of course we do. And it never crosses our minds that the fault might actually lie within our own hearts and actions.
The humorous video below teaches some profound insights about the importance of learning to consider ourselves before being so quick to condemn others.
Goddard says that when we follow our human nature, we take it upon ourselves to tell our partner in "fair, balanced ways" that their behavior irritates us. Then we expect them to change based on our input, and we'll both be happy. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that my husband's habit of never closing the cabinet doors just drove me crazy in the early days of our marriage. I totally responded in this way--letting him know that what he was doing was "wrong" and that it was necessary for him to change his ways so that we could be happy in our marriage.
But according to Goddard, "Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, the irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent." Ouch! If you feel a little pain upon reading that statement like I did, it likely means that there is work to do.
I have gotten better over the years. I have learned to appreciate the things that my husband or children do to be helpful even if I would have done it "better" or differently. They are making an effort and in doing so they are demonstrating their love for me. How could I possibly react angrily about such an act of service? As with any Christlike quality, this kind of change takes time and patience and diligence. We may fall back into old habits or stumble from time to time. Pride may creep back in. But if we are committed to the Lord and committed to our marriage, we will be more likely to consider our own behavior first and work on what we can truly change: ourselves.
Wallace, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Joymap Publishing.
To my surprise, I opened the door to the excited face of my husband and a living room floor that was completely clear of clutter and debris. "The boys and I wanted you to come home to a clean house," my husband explained. I thanked him, grateful that I would be able to sit down and relax after all, but my gratitude was short-lived as I looked around the living room and saw toys and books and shoes and jackets crammed onto the book shelves and into the nooks and crannies of the entertainment center.
Instead of actually putting things where they belonged, they had literally just shoved everything that was on the floor into any available space they could find--crowding out the things that actually belonged on the shelf. To my husband, a clean floor equates with a clean house, where for me, it's not clean until everything is in it's place. I was so annoyed and exasperated as I looked around and realized that not only would I now have to put everything away, but I would have to do even more work because in the process of "cleaning up", they had made a mess of all the bookshelves.
"You call this clean?" I exploded. "Nothing is where it should be!" My husband was completely baffled and I still have a pang of guilt when I imagine his face as I became angry at his efforts and the efforts of my two sweet boys who were just trying to make me happy.
Who was in the wrong here? My husband who had known me long enough by then to know what I termed "clean" but insisted that the house was clean if he couldn't see anything on the floor? Or me, who felt I knew best; me, who felt my needs were of utmost importance and anyone who didn't meet those needs was wrong?
The answer is definitely me. I had allowed pride to come into our evening and our relationship that night (and many days and nights before and since) and ruined a sweet gesture from my well-meaning husband and eager-to-please children.
H. Wallace Goddard in his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" says, "When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride."
As humans, it seems that our natural response is to see our experiences and opinions as the "truth" or "fact" and to feel that no one else can see things as clearly as we do. Thus, we take it upon ourselves to educate others to the "right way" or the "only way", to insist that our needs must be met above all else because everyone will be better off that way. Or we feel that we understand others better than they even understand their own selves because of course we do. And it never crosses our minds that the fault might actually lie within our own hearts and actions.
The humorous video below teaches some profound insights about the importance of learning to consider ourselves before being so quick to condemn others.
But according to Goddard, "Anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, the irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent." Ouch! If you feel a little pain upon reading that statement like I did, it likely means that there is work to do.
I have gotten better over the years. I have learned to appreciate the things that my husband or children do to be helpful even if I would have done it "better" or differently. They are making an effort and in doing so they are demonstrating their love for me. How could I possibly react angrily about such an act of service? As with any Christlike quality, this kind of change takes time and patience and diligence. We may fall back into old habits or stumble from time to time. Pride may creep back in. But if we are committed to the Lord and committed to our marriage, we will be more likely to consider our own behavior first and work on what we can truly change: ourselves.
Wallace, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Joymap Publishing.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)